The year is 2017. Top scientists have finally cracked the ability to stop ageing, and the world rejoices. The discovery prompts an immediate FIFA investigation into exactly what this means for world football from now on. How will the careers come and go when every team can just preserve their best stars? How will the next Messi break through? The Qatar FA suggest restricting it to only Qatari players, a motion that's only narrowly defeated. In unrelated news, a bunch of mysterious Qatari bank accounts are seized the day before the vote. Eventually, a compromise is decided upon between. Only those players who’ve proven themselves to be in it for the sport, and their team, can use it. The players who have stuck with their team through thick and thin, who’ve turned down bigger money offers to stay where they are. One-Club Men. However, should their loyalty ever waiver, and they choose to leave, those players will lose their right to an everlasting career, and have to face the advance years once again. Who will remain loyal the longest? Who will ride out the lowest of lows to stay at their lifelong club?
Unfortunately for those of you hoping I’ve found a secret miracle, that’s just the best nonsense I could come up with to frame this scenario. In less dramatic terms, using FM 2017, I'm going to select 50 one-club men from the top 5 leagues and de-age them to around 22. Every 5 years I'll de-age them down to 22 again, unless they abandon their loyalty. I'll also be adjusting everyone's contract to expire in 2020 to make it equal, and undoing international retirements where necessary. Nothing overly complicated, but I’m expecting this one to run a long long time if I’m going to have everyone leave, so I’m good with it not being too complicated.
Reddit side note! It's me again. Some may remember my experiments from ages ago. I'm back and writing again, but as you can probably tell, with a new name and website. If you want to see this post with much better formatting, all the images, and everyone's profile at the end, go here to read it in full: link You can stay here if you prefer though! So who actually qualifies for this? I've restricted it to players from the Top 5 leagues of England, Italy, Spain, Germany and France, and only included those that have been at their clubs the longest. As well as the genuine candidates like Messi and Totti, loaned out players like Lahm qualify, as do those like Iniesta who haven't left in FM 2017, and even those that have left in-game, but are known for their careers at one club. Buffon is a good example of the latter. I've included a link to an image with all 5 players here:
link With all this loyalty around, I wanted to mix it up a bit by adding in one final player. Someone completely opposite to everyone picked so far, the anti-one-club man, the journeyman of all journeymen. And after some research, I came up with the perfect candidate. Sebastián Abreu, a man who in his career has played at an impressive 29 different teams in 11 different countries, setting a Guinness world record along the way. Abreu will receive the same treatment as the loyal players, except it won’t stop when he moves team. I
want him to move around more, spread his wings, see how many teams he can collect over an illustrious career.
That’s enough explaining for now. Should be pretty clear what’s going on, just a bunch of footballers never getting old. Time to get things rolling and see who eliminates themselves. Who can stick it out the longest, who will become THE one-club man?
2016/17
With our younger one club men unleashed on the world, many of them attract instant attention from new clubs. For a while it stays quiet and looks like the first transfer window may pass without incident. Only a few loans crop up... until
Javi López because the first man to fall. With Espanyol not meeting his standards, he makes a £2.4M trip down the coast to join Valencia. He proves to be the only summer casualty by the time the window slams shut.
January brings the winter window, and the Premier League clubs start to sniff around, ready to throw bags of cash at unsuspecting players. It doesn’t take long before the next two players are reeled in by money and lose their eternal youth. First
Marcel Schmelzer in a £20.5M move to Liverpool, followed by
Bruno joining moneybags Man City. By the end of the window,
Nacho also heads to the north of England, joining rivals Man United. I’m not sure if any of them have realised how damn cold it is up there. That window swiftly ends, settling the bottom 4 finishers in the competition.
Returning to the world of actual football results briefly, and there aren’t many shocks to be seen. Man City finish 6th, Everton get relegated and Borussia Mönchengladbach reach the Champions League Semi-Finals. A few players see their team relegated, as Werder Bremen, Caen and Freiburg go down, so there could be a few casualties once that disappointment has set in. But all in all, the footballing world has coped just fine.
Loyal Players Remaining: 46
Abreu Club Count: 23 clubs in 10 countries
Odd Winners: None
2017/18
With everyone’s transfer budgets warmed up, it doesn’t take long for the action to get back underway. The previous season has barely finished before
Chris Solly trades in his morals for a Premier League move to Norwich.
Sergio Álvarez joins him in England, making the slightly odd move to Bournemouth before a big £52M move sees
Koke trade loyalty for a big move to Man City. That’s the most surprising move so far, as I expected many of the players at top clubs to stick around. The final two transfers of the window take us to sunny Spain, where both
Xabi Prieto and
Mario become massive glory hunters, trading in their life long clubs for Atletico Madrid and Barcelona respectively. Javi López, having left Espanyol to join Valencia last year, immediately realises his mistake and rejoins Espanyol. It’s too little too late though, his status as a one-club man is already ruined.
The winter window comes and goes without even a hint of action, so things may already be starting to quieten down. Over in Brazil, Sebastián Abreu has his contract with Bangu come to an end after a good season but fails to attract any new suitors before the European season ends.
Around the world, things keep ticking on relatively normally. Watford take a surprising FA Cup win despite finishing rock bottom of the league, meaning they’ll have European nights alongside their Championship campaign. The loyalty of Seube, Höfler and Bargfrede is rewarded, as Caen, Bremen and Freiburg are immediately promoted back to the top tier. Las Palmas head in the opposite direction, which causes David García to hand in an immediate transfer request. The Spaniard could very well be the next player to go.
Loyal Players Remaining: 41
Abreu Club Count: 23 clubs in 10 countries
Odd Winners: Watford (FA Cup)
2018/19
My suggestion that things may be quietening down is immediately disproved by the biggest move so far. Bayern Munich legend
Philipp Lahm makes a huge £82M transfer to Manchester City, throwing away all he’d built up at Bayern so far. But it doesn't end there, as 2 more huge transfers are finalised right after. First
Claudio Marchisio drops Juventus, clearly not happy with them losing the title to AC Milan, and moves to Real Madrid. Then
Daniele De Rossi trades in Roma for Barcelona. Whilst both have moved in real life, I didn’t expect either to fall so early in this, being icons at such huge clubs. A little later,
David García makes his predicted move away from relegated Las Palmas, opting to stay in Spain with Osasuna. And then on the final day of the window, one last move.
David Zurutuza decides the Premier League is more to his taste and joins Noble at West Ham. Javi López continues his tour of Spain, realising rejoining Espanyol doesn’t earn him back everlasting youth, and so heads to Sevilla instead. Currently, he’s moved around more than the specific journeyman player I chose to actually move around. Talking of, Abreu does find a new contract, heading back to Uruguay to join River Plate Montevideo.
The winter transfer window is again mostly quiet, with very little potential action. There are still some transfers though, as
Robin Knoche becomes the 15th person out, heading to Borussia Dortmund. Then a legend moves on, as
Iker Casillas decides that barely getting any game time behind Keylor Navas isn’t worth it, and so joins Monaco for a mere £11M. I guess you can't escape the real world after all.
The summer of 2018 means a World Cup, a tournament which regularly creates bizarre results in Football Manager. This year is no exception, as the likes of Italy, Belgium and Argentina fall in the group stages, before South Korea beat both Germany and France in the knockouts. The final between Brazil and Croatia proves 100% less heartbreaking than the real 2018 final for the Croatians, as they become champions of the world. In domestic football, Man United take all the English trophies on offer in a Quadruple, whilst Freiburg find themselves relegated yet again, as do Montpellier.
Loyal Players Remaining: 34
Abreu Club Count: 24 clubs in 10 countries
Odd Winners: Croatia (World Cup)
2019/20
Another season, another transfer window, another set of swirling rumours around our one-club men. Borussia Dortmund manage to steal away another of our competitors from a German rival, taking
Timo Horn early in the window. Having been relegated yet again last season,
Nicolas Höfler decides enough is enough and leaves Freiburg for Hertha Berlin. Over in Italy, and Chievo Legend
Sergio Pellissier finally caves, leaving his relegation-threatened lifelong team for European battlers Fiorentina. But that's all the entertainment I can offer, no big signings this time around I’m afraid. Let's go see what Javi López is up to instead. His merry-go-round of clubs continues yet again, moving over to Deportivo de La Coruña in the latest of his ever-decreasing value of transfers.
January retains its typical bleak and dull atmosphere, with no sign of action whatsoever until the final day of the window.
Hugo Mallo decides to try and add to his trophy cabinet and heads to Man United. Not the worst career move to throw away eternal life for considering their dominance right now. And with his departure, the total number of players that we've lost hits a nice round 20.
In the Premier League, Man United claim their 4th title in a row, exerting total dominance over everyone. But where one dominance rises, another falls, with Dortmund claiming the Bundesliga to knock Bayern off their perch. The shock of the season comes in the Coupe de France, where 3rd tier LB Châteauroux knock out Lyon, Auxerre and PSG before falling to Caen in the semi-finals. With Monaco having fallen to 4th tier SA Spinalien, Caen beat an easier opposition of RC Lens in the final, leading to Seube lifting the teams first-ever Coupe de France. Not bad for a player I expected to never lift a trophy. On a less joyous note, Höfler having left relegated Freiburg, sees his new team Hertha relegated immediately too. It seems there is no escaping the 2. Bundesliga!
On the record front, Gianluigi Buffon sets a huge benchmark, breaking the 200 cap mark for Italy. With no-one else close to him, he’ll stay the leader for a long time. Messi also breaks a boundary, climbing through 400 league goals during his career at Barcelona. Like Buffon, he’s way clear of any competitor, and unless a miracle happens that sees him abandon Barcelona, I can’t see anyone catching him soon.
Loyal Players Remaining: 30
Abreu Club Count: 24 clubs in 10 countries
Odd Winners: Caen (Coupe de France)
2020/21
2020 arrives, and with it, two important points arrive too. Firstly, everyone gets de-aged for the first time in this experiment. The 20 that have left get to watch from a distance thinking about what could have been. Second, the initial contracts are set to expire, so anyone that hasn’t re-signed will out the door. Which is exactly what happens to
Víctor Valdés. Having barely appeared for Barcelona since his return, he leaves the club on a free and heads to the southern French coast to join Marseille. A day later and someone else leaves France, as
Romain Danzé who decides one de-ageing is enough and moves to Schalke.
Tony Hibbert also struggled for games at Everton despite his new youthful look, and so he walks out the door. He opts for Aston Villa, who to my great surprise have sunk to a mid-table League 1 team. Feeling left out, Spain joins in, with
Oier Sanjurjo departing Osasuna and moving to Villarreal. The window is then capped by a bizarre final free transfer. Despite appearing regularly,
Xavi isn’t offered a new contract by Barcelona. Man City can’t quite believe their luck and snap up the Spanish wizard a few days before the window shuts.
Winter brings with it just one transfer in its usual action-heavy way.
Roberto Torres leaves Osasuna, making a £35.5M switch to Atletico. I’m not sure whether Atletico thought they were getting a different de-aged Torres because that can only be described as an overpayment. Either way, that means we've now lost over half the competitors.
Euro 2020 passes, and Croatia prove their World Cup victory was no fluke, becoming both champions of the World, and champions of Europe. On the Continental front, things have been fairly predictable so far, at least until this years Europa League. Hoffenheim escape a tough group and go all the way to win the entire thing. Not bad for a team that barely qualified in the first place. Oh, and Messi wins a little thing called the Ballon d’Or for the 10th time. I think he’s only just getting started.
Loyal Players Remaining: 24
Abreu Club Count: 24 clubs in 10 countries
Odd Winners: Hoffenheim (Europa League)
2021/22
The 21/22 season begins with two transfers on the first day.
Loïc Perrin makes his way to the Premier League to join Leicester. But that's a minor splash compared to the other move, as after 768 appearances and 302 goals,
Francesco Totti leaves Roma. It seems wrong to see it, but he’ll now be wearing a Man United kit. Dortmund continue their run of stealing loyalty, this time bringing
Tony Jantschke into the fold. Another contract is run to the end, forcing
Álex Bergantiños out of Deportivo without much choice, before being picked up by Cagliari.
Mikel González opts to end his time at Real Sociedad, joining Pellissier over at Fiorentina. And as August comes to a close, it looks like Totti may be the only big departure. That is until
Gianluigi Buffon decides to call time on his Juventus career. It’s an odd move, with the legend going sorta sideways from a regular starting Juventus spot to Bayern Munich. But there’s no going back now, as his 636 league appearance career with the Italians comes to a close. Two legends down in one window.
No season is complete without a single winter signing to warrant an entire separate paragraph, and this season is no different.
Sergi Roberto moves away from Barcelona, in a £24M move to French giants PSG. A good way to guarantee yourself plenty of titles I guess. Abreu also makes a winter move, adding Guarani in the Brasilian second tier to his collection.
Roberto’s decision proves to be a good one, as PSG go on to claim their 10th one in a row. Not many surprises elsewhere, although Real Oviedo get close to pulling off a shock in the Copa del Rey. The second tier team beat Osasuna, Barcelona and Sevilla on the way to the final, but ultimately Real Madrid prove a step too far. Elsewhere everything is won by a team you’d probably expect. Exciting stuff.
Loyal Players Remaining: 17
Abreu Club Count: 25 clubs in 10 countries
Odd Winners: None
2022/23
With the pool of players rapidly decreasing, very few of the crew are even wanted by other clubs anymore. Perhaps deterred by their steadfast loyalty? A few moves do still happen though, so we’re not dead yet. Firstly
Anthony Lopes gets fed up of PSG dominating his league and moves to AC Milan for a better shot at a trophy. It’s not long before that story is forgotten, as the biggest transfer fee in the competition so far is dropped.
Andrés Iniesta is stolen away from Barcelona, in a huge £86M move to Man United. The midfield maestro fell 2 appearances short of 600 league games for Barcelona, but with his new £300K per-week contract it’s not hard to guess why. That proves to be all the action for the summer window, with no-one willing to top that huge move.
After half a season of hearing their noisy neighbours gloating about their star signing, Man City snap. And if there’s one thing City are good at, it’s splashing the cash. In probably the easiest negotiation over fee Barcelona has ever had,
Sergio Busquets makes a £95M move to the sky blues. Yeh, that’ll show United. Once again no-one wants to get in the middle of the awkward Manchester squabble, and the winter transfer closes with a whimper.
The second World Cup of this experiment comes and goes. This time all the giants make it safely through the Group Stages, but it’s Africa that really excels. Morocco make the knockouts, Egypt battle through to the Quarter Finals, but Nigeria come out best. They beat South Korea and Argentina before falling valiantly to France in the Semi-Finals. A 1-0 victory of Italy does see them finish in an impressive 3rd place, becoming the first African team to finish in the top 3 of the World Cup. France win the title on penalties after a deceivingly action-filled 0-0 draw with Spain. The domestic scene follows that with a similar lack of real shocks. In the Carabao Cup, Bournemouth beat Arsenal, Chelsea and Man United on the way to lifting the trophy. But it’s the lesser Cup, so outside of Bournemouth no-one really cares. PSG finally have their grip on the Ligue 1 broken, as Casillas leads Monaco to a fantastic title. Otherwise, all the league titles and cups fall to teams you’d expect them too. Another thrilling year.
Loyal Players Remaining: 14
Abreu Club Count: 25 clubs in 10 countries
Odd Winners: Bournemouth (Carabao Cup)
2023/24
Literally nothing happens.
Thomas Kessler decides that no team can ignore his existence for 20 seasons in a row and get away with it, leaving Köln to join Trabzonspor. So as I said, literally nothing happens. Even Javi López moving to yet another club would be more interesting than that.
The same applies to the footballing season. Asides from Casillas captaining Monaco to a Champions League title, or Atletico winning the title again, exactly 10 years after their last win, everything is frustratingly normal. And even those two events are hardly shocks.
Before I start to lose hope, there are a few interesting moves over the last few years from the losing group that are worth highlighting. First season mover Bruno didn’t make the impact he hoped and found himself moving to the lovely Stoke. Robin Knoche barely received any playtime at Dortmund and found himself cast out to Dinamo Zagreb. Even in League 1, Tony Hibbert could barely get any game time at Villa and so moved on the Scunthorpe in League 2. But the winner of the oddest move has to be Zurutuza, who somehow manage to pull off a move to Liverpool after West Ham found themselves relegated, only make a few disappointing performances, before being released on a free to join Al-Arabi in Qatar. Not quite the career he was anticipating when joining the Premier League I bet.
Loyal Players Remaining: 13
Abreu Club Count: 25 clubs in 10 countries
Odd Winners: None
2024/25
The summer transfer window arrives for another season, and with it finally comes a huge deal! Javi López has found yet another club! Hooray! As for actual competitors, absolutely no movement whatsoever. Even from Abreu, who’s been at Guarani for 2.5 years now. Manceau, Lewington and Seube complain to their managers about playing time or relegation, but none of them actually make a move anywhere. So our final 13 will add another 5 years onto their career length.
There are some fun statistics from our 51 worth mentioning at this point. Buffon leads the way with both total league appearances (935) and international caps (259). His caps are at a point where they’re too high for the game to display, as the value is stored as an unsigned 8-bit integer, and so has rolled over to just show 3. Most appearances for a single club goes to Dean Lewington however, who thanks to being a regular sits at 857 league appearances for the MK Dons (or 889 if you include Wimbledon). In the goals department, the winner is obvious. With almost 500 league goals, 100 international goals and 14 Ballon d’Or awards, Messi sits on top of everyone. On the international scene, he’s run close by Müller and the fast-approaching Kane, but for league goals, it’s not even close.
2024 brings with it a Euro tournament, which doesn’t provide much in the way of surprises, but brings with it some exciting high scoring matches. All ending in a 4-3 victory for a Thomas Müller led Germany over neighbours Netherlands. Which I’m sure went down very well. The domestic scene decides to spring a few shocks though. In Serie A, Roma claim an impressive title thanks to main striker Iheanacho, their first since 2001. The German and French cups provide surprise winners, in the form of Hertha Berlin and Dijon. Both cap an impressive run by beating their respective league winners, Bayern and Monaco. Even the continental tournaments turn up too. First Monaco cement their place as a top power in football by winning their second Champions League in a row. That coming a week after the best win there could possibly be. Tottenham win the Europa League! Screw the other stuff, that last part is all I need!
Loyal Players Remaining: 13
Abreu Club Count: 25 clubs in 10 countries
Odd Winners: Dijon (Coupe de France), Hertha Berlin (DFB Pokal)
At this point though it’s fair to say that the competition results are more interesting than the movements of the players. Which is the perfect signal that things need to speed up a little bit. So from now on, updates will be every 5 years, which lines up perfectly with player age resets, letting us see who has made it to the next checkpoint.
2025-2030
Another round of de-ageing hits, and you’d think that would incite some interest in our final 13. Instead, it’s a ghost town. We do have an immediate dropout though, as
Nicolas Seube finally gets fed up with his lack of playtime at Caen and heads for Panionios in Greece. A year later the situation is repeated. I’m not entirely sure what his unhappiness was about, but
Iker Muniain decides he’s had enough of Athletic Club and moves to Hamburger SV. At least he left on exactly 100 goals for Athletic though, a nice round number. With 11 left, a standoff to reach the top 10 ensues. For 3 years no-one budges in their show of loyalty, until in 2029…
Dean Lewington leaves for Derby County on a free. It’s a huge move, with Lewington becoming the first man to break through 1000 league appearances for a single club before leaving. But he’s moved on now, and it won’t be long before that record is broken. That move means we’re left with our final 10 contestants. Terry, Iraola, Messi, Susaeta, Noble, Jourdren, Müller, Kane, Manceau and Bargfrede have secured a top 10 spot, and now all that’s left to do is fight it out for number 1.
Over in Brazil, our anti-one-club man continues his journey, although it remains in Brazil for the moment. Only 2 clubs are added to his count, with a long stay at Atletico Goianiense followed by a £2M move to top tier Coritiba. I’m kind of hoping he starts to make enough waves in the Brazilian league to move to Europe and add some new countries to his history.
Those that fell before the first de-ageing are retiring, finishing off their magnificent, or in some cases very un-magnificent, careers (as losers). Javi López finishes his fine anti-loyalty tour around Spain with 7 transfers to his name. Schmelzer, Nacho, Solly, Álvarez, Koke, Mario, Prieto, Marchisio, De Rossi, David García, Zurutuza, Knoche, Höfler, Pellissier, Mallo, Horn and Hibbert end their careers. Many, such as Nacho, Horn and De Rossi stay just as committed to their new clubs as they did their old, finishing out their careers after just a single transfer. Of the pensioners, Sergio Pellissier manages to rack up the most career league appearances and goals, at 894 and 246, although that’s largely thanks to a huge head start. De Rossi dominates on the international scene, earning a whopping 197 caps over his 30-year career. Naturally, all those records will be blown out the water once the next group start retiring, but it’s nice to have some benchmarks.
Around the world, plenty has gone on worth hearing about. The Netherlands claim their first-ever World Cup win, beating Brazil in the final, whilst in the Euro’s Germany win their second tournament in a row. The Gold Cup throws up a few interesting results too, as first, the Mexico B team win it, with their A team tied up in the Confederations Cup. Then 4 years later Canada take the title, only the second time in their history. Over in Italy, Lazio find themselves relegated as the league starts to shake itself up a bit. But other than that, domestic football remains relatively unspectacular. Oh except… TOTTENHAM WINNING THE LEAGUE. Didn’t even have to reset it and we won it before Arsenal did. North London is very much Lilywhite now, suck it Gooners!
Loyal Players Remaining: 10
Abreu Club Count: 27 clubs in 10 countries
Odd Winners: Tottenham (Premier League)
2030-2035
Another 5 years pass and to start with it looks like the top 10 are going to hold firm. Eventually though, the temptation of money proves too much for one man. That man is
Geoffrey Jourdren who trades in his starting slot at Montpellier for a cosy backup contract at PSG. Then comes… dead silence. Not even a rumour, or an unhappy player. No-one even hints at leaving for the next 4 years, which means we end the period with nine players on the books. The real waiting game has begun. Even our journeyman Abreu is moving in a very slow way, as a five year Coritiba stint finishes with a free transfer to Red Bull Brasil. I think my hopes for a European move have died.
At least there are a lot of retirements to run through. Bruno, Lahm, Casillas, Valdés, Danzé, Oier, Xavi, Torres, Perrin, Jantschke, Bergantiños, González, Roberto, Iniesta and Busquets hang up their playing boots. That does leave us without some noted legends, with Lahm, Casillas, Iniesta and Busquets reaching 200 caps for their country. You’d think Spain would have won more with that golden generation. Casillas and Xavi also both hit 1000 league appearances thanks to a strong head start before the experiment. But it’s Andrés Iniesta who is the most loyal of the bunch, racking up nearly 600 appearances for his original club before departing.
Five years leaves plenty of time for interesting results once again. England take a World Cup win, which is always a sign of the apocalypse, only made more bizarre by Scotland making the semi-finals in the same competition. Portugal take the other title in that period, whilst the Euros also see a surprise winner in Switzerland. France provides the biggest shock at club level, as Lille come from nowhere to win Ligue 1, and then immediately revert back to mid-table once again. Otherwise, the time belongs to Manchester City. The oil bar… sky blues take 4 out of 5 titles in both the Premier League and Champions League, with all that cash flinging finally paying off.
Loyal Players Remaining: 9
Abreu Club Count: 28 clubs in 10 countries
Odd Winners: England (World Cup), Lille (Ligue 1)
2035-40
With just nine players left, once again we get a transfer fairly early on in the period. Early as in the first transfer window, which makes me wonder why they waited so long. Anyway,
Mark Noble has had his patience tested by West Ham’s yoyoing between the Premier League and Championship a bit too much and finally caves. He makes a £20M move to Burnley, who… are doing the exact same thing. Not sure that was the brightest idea. Like the previous 5 years though, one transfer is all we get. None of the others move, despite some pretty heavy unhappiness from Bargfrede and Manceau. Abreu keeps up his trail, running out his contract with Red Bull Brasil and opting for Chapecoense to reach 29 clubs in his career.
With very few moving recently, that also means less and less are retiring, as just 7 ex-competitors leave the game. Totti, Buffon, Lopes, Kessler, Seube, Muniain and Lewington call time on their football life. The fact they all stuck with it for so long means there’s so impressive stats between them. Totti racked up 1154 league appearances, with 768 at Roma. Dean Lewington, after leaving MK Dons with 1003 appearances finished with a total of 1287. Italian legend Gianluigi Buffon finished with a whopping 1307 league appearances, but perhaps more impressively, 334 international caps. But the single most surprising statistic goes to Thomas Kessler. Despite barely playing in Germany he manages to notch a grand total of 7 goals after his move to Turkey. Maybe if he’d been a striker he’d have actually played at Koln. Oh and Seube ends his career Greek. Because why not.
As per every time, a quick look around the world’s results is needed. Spain win back the World Cup titles, whilst Italy take a Euro win. Argentina, Mexico and Australia claim all their continents international trophies in the window, so no massive surprises there. The domestic world isn’t exactly littered with shocks either. Brescia win a Coppa Italia, and Nîmes Olympique grab 4 top 5 finishes in a row in France, but there’s not really much to shout about. I think it’s best to just get on with the next de-ageing.
Loyal Players Remaining: 8
Abreu Club Count: 29 clubs in 10 countries
Odd Winners: Brescia (Coppa Italia)
2040-45
Down to 8 now, so it’s getting tougher. And a lot slower, so slow in fact that not a single transfer in our group happens in five years. For a moment I was excited to see Manceau at Recreativo de Huelva, but that was just a loan. So I was back to being crushed. On the plus side, Abreu makes some huge steps. He adds not just 1, but 2 new countries to his history! The first is Portugal, in a huge step up to join Braga. As usual, it’s just until his contract ends, before he moves on to Frankfurt in the Bundesliga. He’s hardly setting Europe alight but I don’t care, he’s actually moving!
There’s only one retiree to talk about too, as pretty much everyone has already gone. Geoffrey Jourdren finishes up with 925 total league appearances. It probably could have been a bit more, if he’d not spent 10 years of his career being a backup at PSG and Bayern. On a far more interesting note, Terry breaks through 1500 career league appearances. Kane also hits 256 international goals, which results in the number resetting to 0 just like caps. So the game has him on 96 caps with 11 goals, when the actual numbers are a stunning 352 caps with 267 goals.
Having seen my disappointment last time around, the world decides to liven things up. Denmark become both Champions of the World and Champions of Europe in 2042 and 2040, although they lose the European title to Germany 4 years later. At the continental level, the Champions League stays on track, but the Europa League brings some bizarre winners into the mix. Nîmes Olympique, Real Sociedad, Leicester and Bristol City all win a trophy. It seems Mark Noble finally made a right move transferring to Bristol City, as the club is now a strong top 6 Premier League side. Manceau wins a Coupe de France at Angers, but it’s still Nîmes making waves, forming a big three with PSG and Monaco. It may not be long before either Nîmes or Bristol City win their league, which is not something I expected to be saying.
Loyal Players Remaining: 8
Abreu Club Count: 31 clubs in 12 countries
Odd Winners: Nîmes Olympique/Bristol City (Europa League), Angers (Coupe de France)
2045-50
2045 kicks off and once again Manceau deceives me. This time it’s a loan spell in Denmark with Brøndby that had me thinking he was gone. Well you know what they say, fool me once shame on you, fool me twice… I’m probably gonna fall for it. It looks like there’s going to be no moves whatsoever once again, until June 2047 arrives and I notice a contract is set to expire. Imagine my shock when
Lionel Messi is not offered a contract by Barcelona and is let go. It’s made doubly worse by the fact that of all teams to pick him up, it's Atletico Madrid. Apparently, 37 Ballon d’Or awards aren’t good enough for Barcelona anymore. I don’t even care that nothing else happens. That’s enough to stun me.
Over in the retirement home, Mark Noble moves into a room. After an up and down career, the Englishman did manage some silverware with Bristol City and ended his career with 1317 league appearances. He even earned not just 1, but 90 England caps across his 44-year career.
Around the world, interesting results are still cropping up. England grab their third World Cup win beating Colombia, whilst Honduras win their first-ever Gold Cup. Much to my bitter disappointment, Arsenal win 4 of the 5 Champions Leagues on offer, as well as 3 Premier League titles. Chelsea have a period of bottom 10 finishes which deeply upsets Terry, whilst over in France, Chamois Niortais begin to try and join the top 3. Don’t worry I’ve never heard of them either.
Loyal Players Remaining: 7
Abreu Club Count: 32 clubs in 12 countries
Odd Winners: Honduras (Gold Cup)
2050-55
With the world still reeling at the fact the Messi has moved from Barcelona, everyone kinda forgets to make any moves. In fact, Messi is the first person to move yet again, leaving Atletico in a very cheap 34.5M move to Man City. Which is more in line with where I originally expected him to go. Abreu finishes one contract, at Hapoel Be’er Sheva, and moves onto the next, but it’s with Monterrey so doesn’t count. Sebastian, it has to be new clubs. John Terry is starting to get frustrated with a Chelsea team that has really fallen from grace. The Londoners barely survive relegation in 2052/53, so Terry may be the next to go. Or maybe I know nothing and it’s completely random.
No-one retires this year, so let’s take a brief look at some statistics of our remaining 7 + Messi. All our players have now reached 1000 appearances, with Bargfrede in last at 1173. Messi has crossed 1000 league goals, now a full 300 clear of the chasing pack of Abreu and Kane. On the international level, Thomas Müller becomes the first player to need a rollover of caps twice, moving on to a massive 524 international caps. But it’s Kane who still leads the international goal stat, nearly breaking 350, a full 50 ahead of the German.
Müller does, however, grab a World Cup win for Germany so I’m sure he won’t be too upset. At least until they’re deposed by Holland 4 years later. On the continental level, Bristol City win another Europa League title beating previous champions Espanyol. Middlesbrough also nearly earn a trophy, having joined Bristol as a top 6 team. But the winner of the biggest shock, although I did say this might happen, goes to Chamois Niortais, who topple the dominance of PSG and Monaco to capture a miraculous Ligue 1 title in the last season of the period.
Loyal Players Remaining: 7
Abreu Club Count: 32 clubs in 12 countries
Odd Winners: Chamois Niortais (Ligue 1), Bristol City/Espanyol (Europa League)
2055-60
The summer window of 2055 opens and as I warned may happen, there’s an almost immediate transfer. Fed up with Chelsea’s mediocre finishes,
John Terry decides to move on. Unfortunately for Chelsea fans, Arsenal is his next club, which I’m sure will cause a few shudders. A year later and another move comes around, once again due to unhappiness over the club’s performance. Surprisingly it's
Thomas Müller,who's annoyed by the fact that Bayern haven’t won a Bundesliga title since 2048, and so runs down his contract. Leverkusen almost earn his signature, but eventually its the glory of PSG that proves too much to resist. But we’re not done there! Another player runs down their contract, opting to move to Vitoria de Setubal in Portugal.
Vincent Manceau finally makes a real move rather than constantly faking me out. So with another 3 players down, we’re left with our final 4. The race for the top 3 is hotting up now!
We do have a retirement this time thanks to the transfer window livening up. The world's best-ever player, Lionel Messi, retires from football. He ends up on a total of 1858 league appearances, scoring a massive 1068 goals in this time. 1430 appearances and 895 goals of those belonging to his 45-year career at Barcelona. On the international scene, he earned an impressive 505 caps and 276 goals. But it’s the awards where he shines. 279 individual awards, 82 team titles, 22 league titles, 6 Champions League titles, 45 Ballon d’Or awards. What makes it even crazier is 41 of those Ballon d’Or awards were in a row, as he earned every single one from 2015 to 2056. I don’t think I’ll see another player like that crop up in any save, truly the world’s best player.
Looking out on the world, I can say that it’s a Chamois Niortais player that breaks Messi’s streak, as the French team claim another two Ligue 1 titles. It’s hard to say they’re a “surprise winner” at this point. Bristol City finally make the full step up to join the big guns, winning 3 Carabao Cups, 1 FA Cup, 2 Premier League titles and even a Champions League trophy. If any Bristol City fans want this save to give themselves hope over the future, I can send it over. Internationally it's the era of Portugal, as they claim both the Euro and World Cup trophies.
Loyal Players Remaining: 4
Abreu Club Count: 32 clubs in 12 countries
Odd Winners: Bristol City (Premier League/Champions League), Lyon (Relegation)
With so few players left, now is probably a good time to speed it up once again. The final four will be tough to budge, so how about we move to 10-year intervals to try and cut down on dead years. And I'll be moving to the comments, because I've hit reddits character limit.
submitted by Fellow garbage huffers, are you ready to stagger into 2020 with a face-first fall into this shit-pit? It’s so warm in here!
We pick up with Anna and Mursel in the midst of an intimate translator app cryversation. Mursel says that as a man pretending to be 38, he has no choice but to run back to his family in Turkey, now that they finally know what Mursel has always known: Anna has bred. This could have been addressed thousands of dollars ago, but logic is not currency between these two. Leo pretends to be upset because he knows that’s how to stay mom’s favorite.
Leo thinks Mursel should tell his family in his strongest big-boy voice, "I can be a grown up, I can manly do things." No word on whether that should be communicated via translator app or with actual talking.
Anna seizes this opportunity to make Mursel feel worse. "You're breaking a child's heart!" Oh, fuck you right in the honey hole, Anna, with this ridiculous manipulative bullshit. Dragging your children into it isn’t going to factor in to a decision that was made before his plane landed.
Anna also breaks the news to Gino and her mother, who has a lightning fast draw on the I Told You So. Gino says he doesn't know what to think, because he was all psyched up to resent someone new, and now the moving target is bouncing right out of the frame. This isn’t nearly dramatic enough for Anna, who knows, thanks to Vampire Diaries, that this needs to be dragged out at least four more episodes, or until a fresh character with a mysterious accent is introduced.
She picks Joey up from band practice, and pulls into a parking lot known for it’s hasty body disposal possibilities, or doing the BJ for real. Joe asks if Mursel's going back to Turkey, and Anna explains the first stop is a hotel with WiFi, where he’ll anchor before being assailed by a tsunami of text messages. Joey is confused about why his mom is so mad at Mursel, and why Mursel can’t just ignore the needs of his family like Anna does.
“I’m annoyed that she had to put us through this,” Joey says. “But 90DF put me in touch with like, a lot of kids.”
“Yes, we’ve established an extensive network of children that have had to tolerate their parents prolonged adolescence broadcast on international television,” Max explains. “We’re active in several states, with our central office based in Connecticut, the 90 Day Fiancé stronghold.” Max uses a laser pointer to circle CT on a pull-down map of the US of A. “CeCe and I take on the bulk of the responsibilities for the central office, which is not to diminish the contributions of Darcey’s children, who have been working hard since their mother’s inaugural season of Before the 90 Days.”
“This is starting to seem kinda lame,” Joey is in a band.
“That’s not a very productive point of view,” CeCe interjects. “But let’s unpack the emotions behind that statement, and see if we can redirect that anger towards something more creative.”
Joey’s ongoing dislike of Mursel creates the opportunity for Anna to be mad at her son for her own shitty relationship choices; this misdirected resentment will likely percolate to the surface several times a year, until Anna isolates her next romantic victim, or until Joey’s band revives early 90s grunge with all its overt screw-you-mom lyrical stylings.
Later on, Mursel is in his hotel, fighting an awkward battle with his strangulating man-purse. He says he doesn't want to marry a Turkish girl, but he's the only son in the family, and he’s pretty sure fake-forty is going to be the year a Turkish marriage happens. Anna messages him to call him weak, which is part of her plan to prolong this break-up for at least sixty days, or until she can roll her rage over into being appalled that he’s moved on. Mursel texts that he wants to see her, she says no. He calls her, and Anna says she doesn't like him, and that she and Leo are both very sad and enrolled in the same kindergarten class. Some dramatic kneeling beside the bed happens, proving that Anna is the first person to touch his penis. Then he declares his need to see her and “hold her hair” one last time.
“Well, she could always give you a lock or two to-go,” Paul pipes in with ideas.
In Georgia, Angela declares that she’s been a hot mess since...I’m just gonna stop right there. She bursts into the office of a folksy lawyer who is apparently used to her. He notes the duo hasn’t received a formal K1 denial yet, and breaks down the appeal process, which involves clarifying that Angela is, in fact, a tax payer. 60% of appeals lead to a visa, and they have a good chance thanks to evidence that they fall asleep on the phone, but this tacks on another 6 months of time for Angela to milk an assortment of 90DF shows. Are you sure the producers had nothing to do with this? I see you, TLC.
"Quit protecting people who don't want to be protected,” Angela declares. “Don’t make me rage tweet line 39 of my 1040 long form.”
No matter what, Angela is facing another year to 18 months, and the timeline won’t change if they wed in Nigeria. Pretty sure 56 isn’t ideal egg-toting age, but neither is 54, and this does nothing to slow the planned chicken-house raid of Skylar’s ovaries.
Angela gets 90DF to pay for another flight to Nigeria to comfort Michael (well played). The grandchildren scatter when she can't find her passport. Did she look in her Swiss Army bra, where everything else is? She declares that there’s VooDoo working against her, so she’s going to reverse this curse with the unparalleled power of Takis. Skylar is worried about her mom being impulsive and marrying Michael in Nigeria. It’s impossible to have two weddings, after all, and if this isn’t dragged out Angela will never squeak out more seasons than Nicole managed without getting married, and I’ll lose my $30 in the betting pool.
For his part, Michael goes to see an immigration lawyer who can talk without moving her mouth. Her advice is to apply for the K3, or a spousal visa, which is different from the advice offered by Angela's lawyer. Is that a shout-heavy conflict looming on the horizon? Must be a day that ends in y, just like this romance.
Meanwhile, fake couple Jasmin and Blake still exist, which means Jasmin hangs out with Blake's mom, and looks forward to that mythical moment in the future when Blake conjures enough cash for a room of their own. Mother Blake is cooking Caribbean food and Jasmin is tasked with helping her. She declares that since she’s a stereotype of bleachy whiteness, she’s not used to using spices or experiencing flavor.
“My mother kept all our spices in the salt shaker,” she explains.
Mother Fractalfay: “I hope it’s not garlic salt. That’s SPICY!”
Mother Blake probes Jasmin so she can get a read on what her ambitions are, exactly, and Jasmin explains that post 90DF it’s all about the instagram. Besides, since working is impossible for her until her green card is approved, she has time to figure it out. Mother Blake, who is used to her son’s level of money harvesting success, expresses concern, while Jasmin suffers through the arduous task of chopping onions.
“They're going to have to pay bills once I stop paying them,” Mother Blake explains. “And WTF, it’s an onion. Put some sunglasses on and chop the damn thing!”
“Cut it on the bias!” Darcey chimes in.
Inexplicably, Mother Blake chases her money management concern with questions about their financial readiness for a wedding. Jasmin envisions something quick and easy, like a courtroom affair with just the two of them. You know, something that makes sense when you have no money and your marriage is a sham. Mother Blake has her mind on an event that requires international cash contributions for a ceremony that will include none of Jasmin’s family.
Jasmin then says she’s looking forward to the parents moving out of their own home, and I can’t tell if Jasmin needs someone to explain things with charts and graphs, or if Blake has given her a very wrong impression about his stake in the family home.
Over in 90DF Champion State Connecticut, hostage Syngin is allowed out of his shack as part of a work-release program, so he goes to see Tania's sister Tiana and her husband for help plotting the quickest route to the airport. They welcome him to a house of total chaos, which is the gold standard new parent home, or a monument to crippling depression. One of us! One of us! Tiana sympathizes with Syngin’s struggles to escape the toxic orbit of his intended bride.
"It seems really rude to ditch him and then ignore his phone calls. She does that constantly though," Tiana explains. “Basically, she’s been annoying as fuck her whole life.”
“I was single six years by choice!” Tania reminds her.
“Yeah, no one believes that,” Tiana corrects.
Syngin is equally worried that other people will interpret Tania's flirting as flirting. So he decides to call her, even though he knows she just went out, and no one likes to be drawn from a dance floor to comfort the fiancé they abandoned so 90DF could pay for a flight to Costa Rica.
Tania is busy groping her salsa teacher, which is a great way to learn about herbs from native people like she’s waited to for SO LONG. Concerned parent Syngin calls in for his semi-hourly abuse, and Tania delivers, because if the whole world flooded she would still be Fucking Tania. A phone call is more commitment than she can give, but he's supposed to be ready for a child four hours after his plane lands in JFK. Syngin rightly points out she hasn't changed much about her life at all.
“Not at all,” Tiana adds. “You should have seen her when we had to share toys. I didn’t know dolls could get drunk to numb the pain. Then she just left them in the middle of the living room floor for our mother to step on.”
75 solid minutes of commercials later, we re-enter the terrordome of Robert's wretched edit. He’s still upset with Anny for having free will and a pulse. Since 90DF’s camera people threatened to quit if they had to continue following Robert as he introduces every facet of his life with disappointment, they’ve flown in Sister Robin to restore their spirits.
“She sometimes gets on my nerves,” Robert Roberts. “But she’s my little sister and I love her. Except when I don’t.”
Anny and Robin have talked on Whatsapp but haven't met in person yet, and Anny is excited to meet someone she doesn’t have to take care of. After Robert picks her up at the airport he tells Robin that he doesn’t know when he and Anny are getting married, because now that she’s here he suddenly needs to think things through. Not before he forced his child to share a bed with a stranger, but after she wanted the apartment he promised. Robin says Robert always picks the wrong one, because he's Mr. Right for plenty of people in comas.
Bryson greets Robin and admits he's being good today and only today, which is also how I introduce myself to biological relations. Robin and Anny talk, and Anny explains that Robert promised her the sun and stars and then Colted on all his promises. Robin thinks Anny’s expectations are too high, and totally ignores the part where Robert is responsible for creating said high expectations. Anny also clarifies that she wants sex every day, sometimes three times a day. Robin is willing to offer insight about this dilemma, too.
"Robbie, you got to sex your girl bro." NEW FLAIR!
Now that sexual coaching is underway, Robin and Anny go to look at wedding dresses Anny can't afford, carrying on the tradition established when she looked at two-bedroom apartments. Robin encourages her to be realistic, and to not try on an expensive dress, which seems smart. They tuck a few dresses into a fitting room, and then the curtain is drawn so that Anny can have her second sex of the day with the sales woman on the other side.
The first dress is rumpled from the gymnastics of their sexcapade, and is a no. The second dress is Anny’s style and she likes how it shows off her figure. Then Anny gets teary-eyed because Robin is the first person who has been nice to her since that airplane stewardess asked what kind of drink she wanted. Robin tells her not to cry, and Anny laughs about the veil since she's not a virgin, which has never stopped anyone else on this show from taking their tenth fall down the aisle in a fluffy nightmare of white.
In Ukraine, Mike and Natalie are still struggling their way through this visit. Mike goes to the embassy to get an update on the K1’s status, since the delay can’t possibly have anything to do with every nightly news headline, or Mike’s precarious financial situation, or roommate Uncle Bojangle’s multi-state crime spree. 90DF is trapped outside the embassy, leaving the camera folks no choice but to film a Child Army stomping by in uniform, which is still better than filming Robert drive for Lyft.
When Mike emerges he says he was told the info related to their delay is classified, and they're still investigating their application. Mike takes this as a signal to activate his go-go-gadget investigative skills, especially since it comes with the unexpected perk of alienating his fiancé.
“Rebecca, PI here,” Rebecca interjects. “I’ll go ahead and leave my card in case you need one of those international background checks.”
He and Natalie duck into a café where Mike recklessly orders an Americano with milk and sugar, which is two steps away from the perils of a latte, and if he wants to sully a perfectly good espresso shot that's on him. He asks if she’s hiding anything or has applied for a K1 before, and I’m wondering if she’s still legally married to her ex husband. This line of questioning does not go over well, which doesn’t stop him from asking the same set of questions a second time. This is a dick move, unless she’s done something specific to inspire such distrust. She disappears to the bathroom to punch the air dryer, then returns, and when she does he apologizes while insisting he had to ask this thing he didn’t have to ask.
In Indiana, Sasha is getting faced with Karen and Betsy so they can interrogate him about his punchcard of marriages. They ask about his wedding plans, and Karen clarifies that Emily just wants a small wedding with family. Sasha says he doesn’t think it'll be possible for his family to come, but they'll catch the next one, so it’s fine.
After Sasha declares that Emily is the first fiance his parents have liked, Ace Detective Drunk Betsy is on the case. "Do they love her because she's American?"
Sasha: Yes, it helps that they usually don’t understand her.
Betsy: Did your EX-WIVES, PLURAL, get pregnant BEFORE marriage each time, more than one?
Sasha: Yes, they get pregnant, not me, but third time is charm.
Betsy: I don’t like you.
Sasha: I am beginning to see that you do not like me.
Mother Karen, the family diplomat, doesn't care about Sasha’s past, she cares about how he is now and how he treats her daughter, which is remarkably fair for this tantrum-prone tv show, and for the name Karen. Mom doesn't want to offend Sasha, but Betsy does, so let’s refill that wine glass and slosh it all over the table.
Betsy: Do you know what wedding vows are?
Sasha: Theoretically, yes.
Betsy: They’re a PROMISE. Do you make PROMISES, Sasha?
Sasha: Look, Russia does not have stellar 50% marriage success rate like America, but what can I say? The girls, they jump on my penis.
Betsy: I’m going to DESTROY this bottle of wine.
Sasha: Is lot of calories, but sure, you’re going to do that.
Betsy: Emily's expiration date is coming up, isn’t it?
Sasha: Your cereal, it will also expire.
Betsy: Say something else about my cereal, bitch, and I’ll corn pop you.
Emily has stress-whitened her hair and adopted a daring new part, and Sasha is throwing out snack food in a scene that totally isn't staged. David blows a raspberry, proving the kid is the best person in this relationship. Betsy tries her best to sabotage Emily, by insisting the garbage she bought is for her, because you need plenty of Twizzlers and vegetables beaten into submission to feed a baby.
Betsy: You're just shaming her for her weight gain.
Sasha: Yes.
Betsy: You can’t throw away food when you’re poor! You have to eat the expired jello donated to food banks!
Sasha: That food belongs in trash.
Betsy: You deserve the trash.
Sasha: No, you are one that is trash.
Betsy: No, YOU are.
David: (raspberry noise)
David retreats to his second-floor cell, while Emily says she knows that Sasha throwing out the deep-friend corn vegetables is bad, but he's been in an awful mood since he had to cut his work-outs to three hours a day, as opposed to that great mood he's been in never.
Unpopular opinion: I'd be taking advantage of having a trainer in the house, and would buy whatever he wanted if he was doing the cooking. Also, fuck, you can go to a gym and have someone correct your form for free? I have to switch gyms repeatedly to get that type of personal trainer attention. She could educate him about how fitness and thinness are not the same thing, by embracing her health while staying herself. Why not? How is junk food the hill to die on?
“Unless it’s VooDoo stopping Takis,” Angela clarifies. “Now, that’s a hill.”
Next week, Angela wants to storm the US Embassy to shout Michael into a visa. Emily says they should get married ASAP for financial purposes, which fails to inspire a surge of joy from flatline Sasha. 90DF finally exposes us to Blake's music, so we know why we’re actually watching these two. Anny continues to be attacked by the trash heap Robert surrounds himself with, Mike and Natalie continue to give their relationship a toilet swirlie, Syngin is starting to get a funny feeling that Tania sucks, and the slow downhill roll of Mursel and Anna continues. Hopefully this takes a Twilight Zone turn and both are absorbed into the hive to scream soundlessly from the honeycomb.
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And it's not worth it I really wish I could figure something else to do then that's at the current moment I guess I have some other games I can play with this time in this is this will be a lot more fun Is this is this is ridiculous stops raining and I don't understand why just keep stopping me I'm not maybe can't keep up with my voice which is very reasonable that I should make sense fun to be Maybe if I talk slower it could keep up with me and I can keep talking None on the car Well that's not a psychic just watching some kind of show right now that's actually probably what it is Yeah let's go check it leave right now please play the song Yellow And Legend Yeah 879 years in a row that's a very Maybe I am saying something daring Maybe one day I will see the world and everything else should be Would be kind of crazy if you think about it in the whole equilibrium in the entire world is upside down but alright set up the same time which would equal to beach a crazy paradox of death indicate which data when do you go up to be the best game in the entire world Go Texans no they don't back then they only have the calculation of 47% of chromosomes in the entire world into one smaller area that is called the death of all of the gamers entire world is very upsetting if you ask me about his accounts which isn't necessarily a big deal at all if you think you're better than the Left fight the siding area after Your dash is trash if you know I'm saying nowadays they are how are you I'm going to play we're going to play against this cleaned up man I don't even know what we should do this we're not Right you're not going to you got it going to buy her the borrowers Align a beat down right Your mama, I guess standard s*** in my coffee on your not you're not Speak none like You night night out your name MichaelI have a lot of things to look for still both you are things that people still think that its original cool I'm going to tell everybody I thought I am the best and I mean the best person in the entire world nobody love I am I guess everyone else by a lot and everybody knows it may cause I am super awesome and taller than everyone in the entire world This is the right and I am being the best and I am always that so I always like this and if you do not like that then I can just tell you to go away and you have to listen because I'm the best person in the entire world And if you think otherwise then I can just tell that you are not a cool person and I will shut you off into a small hole to where you do not belong to be the best in the world just like me and how I have a lot of friends and you can't do anything about it because of my two toes are taller than your 1/2 and you're on toes mountain but just a little bit of a friendship bracelet if you know I'm saying it's kind of funny if you think about it because it's like a little jelly beans used to go on to them to the voice chat box to the window and if you understand what I'm saying and you. Of sense to that the coolest way to make yourself cool is fine not trying to be cool but yet being cool by trying it is a very hard paradox to master but if you are anything like me then you should have no problem doing it because it's actually very easy to do whence you get the hang of this end. very very Am I always wished I had There's a secret message there'smore than 1000 million dollars in my own Wallet account But of course you can actually fit the 1000 million dollars in a bank account all night None you can play the bank account but you can't fit it in your wallet account. That's what a lot of people just understand that completely Because if you don't think about it You just an average guy that doesn't know anything about anything then that's just how it goes I can't my Maddie for an orderly Maddie for it but that's just how it is and then why you saying that I'm saying mad at you or a half if I talk slow and like an idiot it registers are lot better and everybody will understand what I am saying but it is not as good as if I talk faster and editor There's not a lot of friends in the world Who can really complain about that because it's really fun and everybody knows that the boy if you have fun in this world is just by being yourself from being the little guy in the corner of the same I am good the best to be like in then you can do anything in the entire world just like George Brown did with his own book forward 27 legs in one share I am a really cool person. Book was really good and italics I am the sexiest person in the world and that's how it goes if you know I'm saying but that's 5 to end of the world or if you know I am lyrics and stopped so you know I really don't The microphone by the inner side of understand how the world works if you have a ver simulator then you could become your own very black bear and once you pick me up Baron entire world nobody would ever stopped you new middle be this second tallest person in the entire world that is insane just think about being the Are you still out in troublesecond tallest person in the entire world not the tallest but the second time Something about that sounds awesome If it wasn't for me going completely insane right now no one would offer appreciate what I am doing that is the being the best person in the entire world that is okey dokey though because on the bus to work. Game that I red truck in the 9 out go to be in the entire were good of beef in the fridge okie dokie Pinocchio row to yellow bar okie dokie Pinocchio okie dokie throat yellow yellow yellow Go line up man so I can find and I am I the best End Caps lock world yo I completely understand that you're having trouble sharing me when I'm completely mum lunch at is understandable stay in undo that is not foolish love understood by. Normal person but that's alright alright Taller than everyone else I'm taller than everyone else and I'm the best in the world and I have to 1 each other each otherGoogle Book book book book book book book to 11 Hahaha aww entire world that I'm stuck Cookbook luck Chuck ruck ruck park your truck Chuck McGill House of Duty music magazine and You better have no more problems hearing in the entire world anymore I hurt my mic sensitivity so hot that it will never ever ever ever mess up again and if it does I will be very upset there's no reason for it to the size of my friends never talk to me again and size I think about it like that This is takes longer than that has to go to keep firingI'm sick and tired of this entire thanks and have someCenter Madison and that is completely ridiculous the start there 1234 I declare a thumb war on the best in the toggle worlds no one's better than me because I am 27 years old and I'm taller than you if Can you also if you know I'm saying you know that Evans girlfriend is in real did on this is Evan yeah we all know you and Devin Devin Devin a rhino Cut on the best in the world nobody better than me animal in the world and I'm 10 times taller than New at this point then I bring keys back tracking My brain keeps backtracking in them using ideas on me before and it's actually very bad because that means I'm running out of ideas how my supposed to do 20 pages of this if I can't even keep the ideas up for a think this is the third page maybe for the highly doubt it I think it's the We got no booty manthird page Cyan you know I'm not double spacing is Size final edition how much I've done this is more work on ever done in my entire life rubbish not a big deal because Very expensive town this a million times is on there just went crossword And Mary click the microphone button and then I can keep talking to you I got the most of her time with the reserve a microphone is above half a page in that was the best the best my life you heard they just talk and talk and the Bethany is floats Go figure that were broken so basically when I stutter or something I'm pretty sure at least it stops It stops to reflect on The Voice thing so I can't didja stops and I get to this is going but it doesn't so obviously I don't know I just keep working on it and I got this its not hard a lot of bad things this entire sentence and everything but you know that character character in that is the true but they do we all going right now I got- it I got my new winter Vito's I got some Orange Crush time I got some I got subway I got McDonalds when Burger King in even the best store ever dare me baby hello Help me I am stuck in a paradox with my own sadness the English slowly I'm pumping am the best in the world no no one Hello I need some help with my man and my money I got no money no money and I got I don't know you're not answering I got the giant Too much money and the waffle machine nobody even knows 3 to -3 321-3321 yes. set call that number caller ID There's a lot to know about There is no boogie man under the bed none that is the truck nobody knows it No boogie man We got no boogie man got no speaky man and we got no scary man and I know monster in the closet we got no mas in the window we got another that bloody married we got nuttin scary in the entire world nothing to worry about just hide somewhere Mcuz they're all real all the monsters are real I was line never mind the right behind there's a giant Right girl you know racism none WordI'm so scared right now I might not be able to run away from this one because it's over for me but that's quite alright because I understand how this will work Saturdays and I'm completely fine with that because I understand that if you are American with your axe and you actually it works a lot better like right now I'm talking with a Western accidents and work a lot better than Google racist I hate Canadians so I gotta be at work because Make an essay with a boyfriend that's pretty cool and we gotta respect that nowadays because it free. The last night when they all go 4 trunk and we all night We're going to have to do a rendezvous at up .47 67 characters Back guys coming all around me and I have nothing else to do but run for my entire family in life or whatever I'm talking about nowadays because you sound very bad and its just called 47 soldiers coming up from behind me with the 47 characters back up from Walmart in a pretty scary we know what we got we're with 47 soldiers coming out right ahead of us right now but we gotta shoot him down right now and now Chris Brown boom boom boom boom boom there all that we got pissed off over Can I have to run away with a machine guns into really lots of fun because if we don't do it fast nothing more All India ambushed by a multi-millionaire company called the walnut walnut company very dangerous they have a private military to 47 soldiers the coming out right after they know they know what they're doing but they don't know that we know what they're doing so that means we're going to be more ready than their red even though their action Marines from the Marine Corps and were just normal men with the screenshot Serani military we we have a mm mm and friendship bracelets to jest 200 to 2 million to million million friendship bracelets Right will be able to take over the RM German suppressors without any problems because I'm a multi millionaire now yes right Trillionaire actually trillionaire yeah nobody know he And if I have to incorporate one thing that everyone knows that his if you become the most powerful man in the entire world always come back to your old house belong go down GO gas price at Blanco. He is the strongest person in the entire universe stronger than the Mars is stronger than Mars All Of Mice put together and someone peeing stronger than that all of the super scary demons Of Oz real Move kill em all and yeah we got it easy peasy down to 3471 Vista do it faster than Windows machine then windows are better than max by the way keep that keep that in your mind all the time you know if you if you have an iPhone then you might as well just break it because everyone knows that Samsung the best because you have sung a song and Millionaire Matchmaker here down by Kiko and nobody knows about a secret don't tell anyone it's my secret I can't tell me when you are bored at work together here no one will ever know Keep working out of you Sorry I was almost the whole time guys you don't even know about that and thateel stronger and feel so strong that that surround the military is coming up to you no problem anymore you will you will be stronger than 27 Nigerian prince is put together until one Megaman Megaman priest Prince Nigerian prince My good friend weeaboo she just came on like I've known him for so long and he's good American friend of mine like I know I'm a New York beforeI have 27 Lamborghini is and only 47 Mike Ghajini goes. A lot of Janelle goes and if you think about the fact she had decent amount of money if you all calculator in the dollar factor of course God of the resale value very important to sell Valley what retail depending on with you If you have any arrow keys then you actually understand that you could become the strongest man on earth no problem no questions whatsoever all you got Individually in in yourself you could become the strongest person in the entire world with only 47 trillion Lamborghinis that is not Align that's all you need that's it and I know you're like oh but what about the other 27 trillion billion called Delian Mr Bongo Bongo the money's not a big deal Sorry I was almost the whole time guys you don't even know but I'm and Right Selena backward Mara are there might be a couple of not the cleanest words in there because you know I'm voice-to-texting the most reliable thing in the entire world you know why because The most people can't even talk correctly now a days which is completely reasonable if you think about 200 points of a business out there are actually many money I this feature so loud they invest any money into it oh wait that's right now the most money in tire world and if I have more money than Bill Gates sometimes 12 years right x and 12 that's right that's so much like you could that alone is the strongest person in the entire world and without him as a single core in society we could do nothing the entire world stop them from is Ryan. Power and I would have to please bank for everyone to work together here as our friendship but not just our friendship has the strongest friendship bracelets in the entire world stronger than the one that can take out the US military is one friendships loop of the world I am NOT Lines friendship loops are the strongest things in the entire world no one can stop them No one can stop him I mean no one is so cool cooler than my blue fan of my computer I'm not saying anything bullet puller fan below that is the coolest fan in the entire world there's nothing To red pants are hot you know that's why you tell him bye bye bye bye bye. And that's why it's bad and I don't understand anymore I'm surprised I'm lost my voice yet but you know what that's okay cuz my voice thunderstruck table in there 47 million people in the entire world know that the 27 billion Lamborghinis in the world that way them in a war between the two the Lamborghinis with clearly when because of the sheer numbers and strengthen awesome this but don't worry because the ant colonies will rise up 1 day to take over the Lamborghinis of the world and then that will be the day at the Exxon you will save the human race from extension and makes Re their leader because they know know that the that ie the coolest person in the entire world and is the leader of the entire at calling you from the start of the bread them from little tiny colonies you made it into a super Connie looked under ground first 27 trillion years just the amount of time that he needed to take on the 28th sorry 47 billion Lamborghinis or was it by 4027 I'm sorry 2727 Lamborghinis that's all was just to 27 answer 27 billion Lamborghinis is not a lot if you just think about it Amount of cancer. Millisecond right they will keep coming and coming and coming and no one will ever stop them from the undo 9 feet face of death in the case and a world where there is nothing but me and me only that will destroy the entire and any race with a single scoop of Awesome next with my super awesome skills of Mercy ya on the Bessemer CD player on the entire world I can't guarantee no one will ever ever read when I'm saying right here because this is way too far in a story that makes no sense unless we find something that is very very very committed to becoming the best redo the entire world which would be completely insane and I'm understanding point of how I say I understand a lot it's because I really hope dealer text and I'd really don't know what I'm saying anymore because its just the point where up here but I should I've been doing this for half an hour now and you still staying strong and I weigh kind of a kind of shaky all because of the way it is but you know what I have to say I'm doing better than almost anyone in the entire world would ever do because I am the best and I mean the best person and that sounds reasonable then I understand you completely incorrect but I don't care I don't care What's the best personal growth thanks President I am the person in the world that's right I am David Irving honeythe best I am American Fork slope has on a Sunday night when he it shows online that's true create if you think about it because one of the strongest fighter forces in the entire world and George Lopez is one of the single reasons why I am still alive today and well of the living in my life super sick awesome friends and awesomeness of the world and how I need more friends but not enough friends to make it so my life is boring but just enough for I am stronger and more awesome than ever knows the entire world and nobody could ever stop me cuz I have to 27 IQ points higher than the person the highest IQ points in the world what you're making index in and look like you points because that's how 27 IQ points going on top of my 27 IQ points and infinite loop Inc The TIME funniest if my right now thats crazy person in the world because and I right now Go and not just completely blow up I'm going to have to give them an abbey they deserve and then you because you know they deserve you so badlyI know everyone else more than I know myself in a calculation of 2741 trillion dollars and upside down upside down McDonalds with a yellow-bellied friend oh yeah yeah yeah yeah but I said of Windows I don't know how many pages this is right now I'm really completely lost you know I don't think I'm going to do 20 the last 10 is enough 10 is definitely enough because because it's true I can't do it too much too much to put in there laughing that's not worth anything red Is literally just to do this to see how did it is literally it is just a safe oh I get it that's why they're like oh my god I can't believe he actually did it is crazy person I beg I know I'm crazy but I'm also super cool if you think about me as a superhero awesome name of course you can I know what I'm saying upside down with math 12 to 14 and that is just crazy I don't even understand how with upside down yellow yellow letters of the world going to a Mexican man with the 27th is Terry and John both of the world working together and the Worlds of the bongos and the LeBron go with of the world to with a keyword going upside down there with the right side of my god leave do you understandThe stupid thing and probably hear me baby. Falcon this is ridiculous I do not understand why I am being a friend and her world of death in the friendship is one two three four five six seven eight nine ten toes on my back Literally two times the amount anyone else would ever have on their toes that because that is so very unlikely that anyone would ever your face in their entire world if you have your own little bracelet of luck in French of the universe in a keychain would be the best bet against the Syrian government on Wednesday with their own blanket seeing a monkey down the windows and that is just really hard work nowadays it's very sad actually then that would work that way with 27 trillion dollars on bank account which is I know which price thinking of this point if you have another thing its words words wordsIs the number that comes up and you gotta stop being mean to me when I'm saying At least I'm saying and number in your mouth because you're being lazy bum hole in On the Go 7 + haha little baby I understand . okay here we go new sentence new life ever and understand that the 47 trillion rounds in the end up 70 to 72 Now this is this is crazy we got we got your number 72 what are you two at the 72 number are we gonna make a new band called The 72 number ya thang I like that 72 is the number I think that's for you in a funeral I got feisty little thing wow that's crazy I am actually sounds interesting this is my voice and nothing else which is actually crazy 9 and you said this 10 years ago know never believe that this would be possible live in again I'm not really sure what anyone to be thinking 10 years ago will they have a small kids are sleeping games in Selection not thinking of the possibilities in the world or anything other than me just one gets level 100 on World of Warcraft which is completely reasonable because you know I this is little child stream and it finally came through 2015 baby actually 2014 baby weight is that rock know that's right that's scary that's really scary That United 2014 it actually all started All Star 2014 nobody knew what they were doing stuff for me cuz I knew I always love you more than anyone else in the entire world and I was very upset me everything about a good enough Remove Hardware That 2012 can't keep up with that are also should be done in less than 10 minutes and really want because I'm super fast stock on the entire world and I just make cigar in browser when I'm leaving update for the speed going to 9 to be broken a whole roll of you exploded cuz that's awesome parking around talking up 47 words per Right there she goes over sizeminute I cannot x milliseconds all the words in the words in the seconds and then I have a story 17 times 47 words recycle it actually pull up to besides so dangerous that annoying are real March that those things sanitarium of the equilibrium of the entire world with actually fall down into a world that hurts so bad that no one else will that I understand that I am the best of Ohio being in Oh I got yaher world of to self teaching an understanding then water are just not that serious I'm being forced to find you after this happened nobody action standby yeah but you and I because I am the highest speed of the entire world of robots are maybe the best thing that I understand some It is not now works outclothes are an artist and there is a guest beautiful sunrise I'm basically row but I guess you could say but nothing down A who is really know anything has nowadays cuz if you think about everything not just a meanie does not show anythingYes you're pretty sad when people read this you don't throw in the center like oh my god you have no life you have no life you're weird a lot of it you say this but I'm and got some point if anyone ever got that they would be saying a lot of nice comments to me I can almost guarantee rich and have a good so when everything is right now they're going to look on the inside of the last thing only god I can't believe you actually but they know if they probably have this type right would be with me that prior written on the round sound like a total loser something I don't know that I just be something that I don't understand then I think that's really funny way of sexual orientation which is completely alright I can see if you think of the other and answer Formatting standpoint of how the world is on his own the land and how my mouth is actually a Razer DeathAdder None switch assembly process if you ask me that's all Razer BlackWidow and Razer Kraken throw Chrome above the lens cover that up there although, I understand that some people don't understand that there is the best the best of all of you out there is the problem I really wouldn't recommend a raise it up On my mouth. I even know about so that means that they're saying like I work in all the mice which is pretty cool saying that my right click sorry more no completely after one year views which is completely like that I guess you don't know her 7.2 then why'd you must know I see you that's ridiculous but then if you doing everything I've been for the last year and spam clicking the right click and I'm fighting legal legends all this time howthen you would understand that is completely reasonable stand for blue eyes and muscle breakdown in the fact that they would replace it is completely awesome and cool but I need to find them. Of purchase
a single since For some reason it's going really bad right now Hello testing one two three year ago I keep going more than three words in the sentence please that the awesome there we go that's keep going after on sentences for these bullets The problem with this is Hello can you hear me now you better hear me What why did you stopping for no reason this doesn't make sense I'm talking stupid in Bologna Stop stopping please so close so close hello I have a big friendship bracelet I would like to show my whole entire family but I am kind of scared to do that because I have a very small amount of endurance to become the best person in the entire world and everybody knows that because I am a successful in gene pool of success in Austin this in a whole world of friendships that is the king of the entire bracelets factory called these so Monday we should have live everyone understands that is now this because if you don't then you just one of those this typical men that have boyfriends and it's kind of sad if you're on this you will then that's actually one of the worst kind of people in the world that that's in a lot worse for you are too kind Below early for me in my opinion because you don't have too much of a balance between friendship and happiness in no way a world where you just lonely sad person no one to talk to because no one wants to be your friend that's really okay though because Okay so this one on this journey This is one of those journey that never ends but it is going pants it's like you're always close to finishing but you're never close enough at least now I am on the last page on this annoying as journey but as soon it will be done and I will be the happiest person in the entire world I am starting to get slightly irritated by this was not your kitchen enough for me to reach out like a check or down low and everybody everything It's kind of sad that everybody in the entire world is all just yellow You know people are going to think that my favorite color Nigeria college green green yeah sure Nigerian call ice cream that makes sense Right ever understand them If you keep trying to be the best you will one day become the best if you work hard at it you can do anything you know Ciaran thinking like oh my god well Make you so mad that it doesn't work the way its supposed to you just wanted to keep going and going and going and keep stopping stopping for no reason even though your beckon I just needed to end it's all just so close so close to being I justI am a monkey looking for some funky friends that I could make an awesome bar with that has really getting drinks in it like the funky monkey drink bar Of Oz are Romeo you know what I am talking There is two types of friends in terror 47 go The it says there's trouble you know there is in trouble Keep thinking about ways to make a new way to make lots of money so I can afford the things I need to of words like making a super cool happy day friendship bracelets at all the games will be playable on my computer but you know PC gaming Pcmasterrace. Everyone knows that I don't even have to finish this work going anyway If I keep talking like a complete slow poke it will keep working and I shouldn't have to suffer nothing and I am liking the way this story is Madgoing to end at this rate It is going to end at a very fast paced hopefully I shall keep going at this awesome paste and it will be the best story in the entire world and my awesome super awesome monitors will be behind me or in front of me depending on which way I'm facing by the time the story isThinking about how you could become friends with everybody upside down in thereI am very tired and I do not know what I should do anymore I have a lot of things I need to still complete and my fairy salon lines of happiness and super fairy tales that will also come in handy when I want to become the best person in the entire world and nobody will be able to stop because I am the strongest person Nobody can get into my way because I am stronger than the dot on the left clicking world of the supervisor of land of decoding messaging and the friendship bracelets of the super dynamic use of me new brain waves are we human being transported into left winging foreshadowing person called mango and everybody knows that there is mangoes and everybody says that there is no way to have a friendship without with Dr Phil himself on his own friendship there is two friendships with their own friendship bracelet taken together to take over the world with 1 swiftly bracelets of friendship and happiness in there will never be the same to break was again in the same dimension because they are too powerful to be in the same to mention that they would pull up the entire exhaust thing world's that remains after the last explosion that happened between to do friendship bracelets that means super friendship bond between James Bond and Between James Bond and James Bond you know that's just the three James bonds that the required bracelets of death and decay of friendships and that is why there is so many spooky if you plug they're looking for these bracelets cuz they want the world to End just the way James Bond James Bond James Bond wanted it and so cruel that anyone would ever want this upon them on this world is it also be upon themselves and I would just be so sad and the world to see someone so I said that they would end their life and everything else is the entire world and I laughed then now.
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