Few new elite specialization ideas for the Canthan expansion, with no new weapon types involved:

Elementalist: Skyfire

• Gain Elemental Enchantments and Weapon Swap instead of Elemental Attunements. Every time you use an individual weapon skill, it will automatically swap itself to the next element, using the cooldown of the previous skill. Use an elemental enchantment to refresh those cooldowns and force all your weapon skills to channel the same element at once. By default, the order followed by the automatic swap sequence is fire, water, wind, earth, and then fire again. This order can be customized through traits. Glyphs and traits relying on active attunements will use the active element of the fifth weapon skill as the reference instead.
• You can wield the Longbow weapon in combat. All five longbow skills work as chain skills, giving them good synergy with the elemental enchantments mechanic.
• Gain access to Mantra slot skills. Just like weapon skills, mantras gain different effects depending on their active element, which swaps automatically with every use.

Mesmer: Trickster

• Gain Spectres instead of Clones. Spectres are weaker than clones, but replicate themselves on destruction, reducing their size and power. A normal spectre will spawn two medium spectres, a medium spectre will spawn two small spectres, and a small spectre won't replicate any further. Shatter skills affect all spectres no matter their size, adjusting their strength to the size of each shattered spectre.
• You can wield the Shortbow weapon in combat. All five shortbow skills work as channeled skills, employing multiple consecutive projectiles at once. Each of these projectiles is weaker individually, but their combined effect has the same strength as any common ranged weapon. When all the projectiles hit their target, the strength of the combined effects double.
• Gain access to Shout slot skills. Shout effects are divided in three phases, each triggered by one of the three spectre sizes. The first phase is triggered by the mesmer and normal spectres, the second by medium spectres, and the third by small spectres. Completing the three phases will unlock an additional fourth effect, triggered by all spectres at once. Shouts are inspired by Canthan poetry, each phase covering one out of four verses.

Necromancer: Apothecary

• Gain Plague Bomb, Toxic Pollen, Afflicted Miasma, Scarab Spore, and Plague Shroud instead of Death Shroud. Plague Bomb throws an explosive to the target area. Toxic Pollen, Afflicted Miasma, and Scarab Spore work as enchancements for your bombs. Activate and combine them to modify the effects of your plague bomb, leading to a total of eight possible combinations. Plague Shroud turns the necromancer into a walking combo field. All plague skills consume life force.
• You can wield the Pistol weapons in combat. Pistol skills gain additional effects depending on the active plague enhancements.
• Gain access to Elixir slot skills. Elixirs work as ammunition skills, consume their charges sparingly to gain various passive effects, or consume them all at once to induce a frontal area of effect vomit attack.

Engineer: Dreadnought

• Gain Dreadnought Suit instead of tool belt skill five. Activate the Dreadnought Suit to drive your own combat armor, gaining alternate tool belt skills. Any engineering kits you wield during the transformation will gain alternate weapon skills as well.
• You can wield the Mace weapons in combat. Mace skills are inspired by the core engineer Tool Kit utility skill, which has been removed and replaced by a new gadget elite skill. Additionally, maces are not exclusive for the dreadnought elite specialization, and once unlocked can be used by the core profession and any other elite specializations as well.
• Gain access to one new healing engineering kit, one new utility gadget, one new utility elixir, one new utility engineering kit, one new utility turret, and one new elite engineering kit. These new slot skills are exclusive for the dreadnought elite specialization.

Ranger: Bulwark

• Gain Pet Focus instead of Pet Swap. Both pets are deployed in combat simultaneously, pet focus letting you command the beast skills of one pet at a time.
• You can wield the Shield weapon in combat. The fifth weapon skill turns defensive mode on and off, reducing your movement speed in exchange of alternate weapon skills. This affects the fourth shield skill, as well as all three skills from main-hand axe, main-hand spear, and main-hand sword.
• Gain access to Venom slot skills. Venom effects are applied to the ranger, both pets, and up to four other nearby allies. Once used against a target enemy, their negative effects stack, increasing their strength the more hits the target receives.
• Find and tame Juvenile Crab, Juvenile Eel, and Juvenile Phoenix pets during your journey across Cantha.

Thief: Shadowblade

• Gain Shadow Blade and Shadow Strike instead of Steal. Shadow Blade summons an exact copy of the thief, with half the attributes and health. This shadow blade companion will follow the thief for ten seconds, mimicking all of his actions within a delay of two seconds. Shadow Strike commands the companion to shadowstep to the target foe and gain a stolen skill.
• You can wield the Greatsword weapon in combat. The first weapon skill has five chain steps instead of the usual three. Weapon skills two to five gain stronger effects the further the chain progresses, and will not interrupt it when used. Successful hits by the shadow blade will count as a step forward for any chains on progress, greatsword or not.
• Gain access to Stance slot skills. Stance effects are applied simultaneously to both the thief and the shadow blade.

Guardian: Spiritcaller

• Gain Virtue Attunement instead of Virtue Activation, Just was Xun Rao instead of Virtue of Justice, Resolute was Reiko instead of Virtue of Resolve, and Courageous was Ashu instead of Virtue of Courage. Attune to a virtue to strengthen its passive effect, disabling the effects of the other two virtues in the process.
• You can wield the Warhorn weapon in combat. The warhorn gains alternate weapon skills depending on the active attunement.
• Gain access to Spirit slot skills. Just like warhorn skills, spirits gain different effects depending on the active attunement.

Revenant: Windwalker

• Gain Wind Walk instead of dodge rolling. Hold the dodge key to dash instead of dodging, dash distance increasing the longer you hold down.
• You can wield the Greatsword weapon in combat. Weapon skills two to five work as charge skills, gaining stronger effects the longer you hold down. Wind Walk does not cancel charge skills, giving it good synergy with greatsword skills.
• Invoke the power of the legendary tengu windwalker, Tsuru Whitewing, and gain access to Legendary Windwalker slot skills. All five windwalker skills depict famous tengu paintings, representing different events across tengu history. Skills six to nine represent how each of the four tengu houses came to be, in turn inspired by the four winds. The elite skill, "The Great Wave off Shing Jea", represents the Great Tsunami itself, and the culmination of the tengu journey.

Warrior: Thunderlord

• Gain Thunder Bell instead of Burst weapon levels 2 and 3. Thunder Bell summons a mystical cannon bundle, which can alternate between ranged and melee modes through weapon swap. Carry it on your left shoulder to fire thunderbolts against your enemies, or use both hands to wield it as a blunt weapon and crush them at close combat. Thunder Bell is considered a level 2 burst skill, and once activated, both the ranged and melee versions will replace the previous weapon bursts with their own level 3 burst skills.
• You can wield the Staff weapon in combat. Weapon skills two to five work as sequence skills, unlocking additional skills on successful hits.
• Gain access to Preparation slot skills. Preparations gain stronger effects depending on individual adrenaline thresholds.

Some lore tidbits, for those interested:

• Elementalist - Skyfire: Ancient naga battlemages, brought back from the dead as the frozen waters of the Jade Sea brim with life once again. Horrorized at the woes of the modern world, they gather the Luxon clans and the kappa tribes for war.
• Mesmer - Trickster: Members of the Jade Sisterhood, they run the brothels, casinos, and theatres of Kaineng City. They specialize on blackmail, bribery, and deception. Their influence seeps deep into the Canthan aristocracy, making them impervious to the law.
• Necromancer - Apothecary: Cultists of the Am Fah, self-proclaimed freedom fighters for the lower classes and lesser races of the empire. They will stop at nothing to overthrow the emperor, resorting to biological terrorism if necessary. After all, they can always blame the Celestial Ministry.
• Engineer - Dreadnought: The noble men and women who drive the war machines of the empire, their combat armors admired and feared by allies and enemies alike. Rumor says their cannons are powered by the spirits of ancient deities, imprisoned by the dark sorcerers of the empire.
• Ranger - Bulwark: Elusive beastmasters of the sidhe race, renown wardens of the Echovald Forest. Driven crazy after the Jade Wind, few survived to regain their sanity. As the Kurzick rebels and their dredge allies expand carelessly across the forest, conflict will once again be inevitable.
• Thief - Shadowblade: Assassins of the Obsidian Flame, gone rogue after the guild was disbanded by the Celestial Ministry. They wage a secret war against the empire's corruption, supported from the inside by the remaining loyalist factions. Their numbers are thin, but their resolve unshakeable.
• Guardian - Spiritcaller: Forefront of the Celestial Ministry, guardians of tradition, followers of the old ways, and the last remaining ritualists of Cantha. Mouthpieces for the imperial propaganda, they channel the echoes of the fallen heroes of the empire, binding the spirits of criminals to their service.
• Revenant - Windwalker: Elite tengu bodyguards and executioners, they pay for the crimes of their Sensali ancestors with lifetime service and utmost devotion to the human imperial throne, deeming their brothers beyond the sea as nothing but despicable traitors.
• Warrior - Thunderlord: Warrior monks of the Sai Ling Order, they commune with the Great Celestials to channel their might, embarking on quests across the countryside in search of deeper enlightenment, vowing to, one day, become Closer to the Stars.

Bonus: New weapon types

Few new weapon type ideas, for a total of 18 ground weapons:

• Spear: Main-hand pole weapon, melee and thrown. Inspired by the Krait Nimross NPCs, Paragon NPCs and the original GW1 Spear weapon.
• Knuckles: One-handed fist weapon, melee. Inspired by the Boxing Gloves Toy, the Brawling Enchanted Armor Challenge, and the original GW1 Dwarven Brawling minigame.
• Bow: The Longbow and the Shortbow have been merged back into one single weapon type. The ranger is the only profession who can use both weapons, so his shortbow skills will be transformed into rifle skills as a compensation for the loss.
• Polearm: Two-handed pole weapon, melee. Includes greataxes, scythes, halberds, longspears, and more. Inspired by the Executioner Axe Toy, the unimplemented GW2 Polearm weapon, and the original GW1 Scythe weapon.

As part of a new player experience, each core profession would unlock some of the old and new weapon types for free, without any elite specialization requirements:

• Elementalist: Greatsword, Polearm.
• Mesmer: Pistol (main-hand), Warhorn.
• Necromancer: Axe (off-hand), Polearm.
• Engineer: Scepter, Knuckles (main-hand and off-hand), Focus.
• Ranger: Spear.
• Thief: Spear, Knuckles (main-hand and off-hand).
• Guardian: Spear.
• Revenant: Axe (main-hand), Mace (off-hand), Knuckles (main-hand and off-hand).
• Warrior: Polearm.

Further unlocks would become possible through either new elite specializations or additional updates to the core professions. Note that this section is independent from the new elite specialization ideas.
Had these gathering dust for quite a while now, figured I'd rewrite and post them.
Hope you liked the read!
EDIT: Same thread at the official forums.
UPDATE: 23/01/2021

I grew up in a small mountain town named Eureka. It was founded in the late 1800s during the gold rush, but after the mines dried up the town began its slow descent into decay. Half the houses are empty or abandoned now.
You can see a picture of the kind of houses here in Eureka:
First house
Second house
When a massive construction project began nearby, it was the talk of the town for weeks. Why would they build something in a sleepy dying town like Eureka? It wasn’t until my sister Selene talked to a few construction workers that we discovered they were building a casino.
A casino up in the mountains, over two hours away from Denver. None of us could understand why they’d chosen here of all places. After a few months of work, the casino was done.
I took a picture of the town with the completed casino in the background to the right. The ten-story-structure sticks out like a sore thumb off in the distance.
Town+Casino
After the casino opened, they hired a few dozen members of the town, offering high paying jobs to work as dealers or cleaning staff. I was already employed as a firefighter, but my sister Selene got a job as a blackjack dealer. She’s a widow with two young kids, so the paycheck was a real lifesaver.
Still, something about the situation seemed too good to be true. The jobs over there paid far too well, and the management was far too accommodating. The fire station where I work is located high on a hill overlooking the town, so I began watching the casino from a distance each day.
I had initially thought that the casino was located in a terrible location, but I was apparently wrong. True, Eureka was hours from any major city, but despite that, a bus full of people arrived every morning and left every evening.
One night I was over at my parent’s house and had dinner with Selene and her kids. I asked her about her experience as a dealer.
“It’s Ok,” she said. “Just a little boring I guess.”
“Boring?” I asked. “I’m surprised you don’t have your hands full.”
“Why’s that?” she asked. “It’s like you said, Eureka’s too small. I never have people playing cards. The casino is almost always completely empty.”
I wasn’t sure what to make of that. If the place was always empty, what happened to the people who I’d seen arriving on buses? “I’ve been keeping an eye on the building,” I said. “A bus full of people typically arrives around 9 AM every day.”
“Really?” she asked, looking confused. “If that’s true, I’ve never seen them.
“I can see it from the fire station,” I said. “If you head out for a smoke break at 9 AM, you’ll probably see them arriving.”
“Interesting,” she said. “I’ll do that. If they’re being processed for their organs or something, I’ll let you know.” She laughed.
“Har har,” I said sarcastically.
The next night she sent me a text calling me over. When I arrived, she was nearly breathless with excitement.
“Orin, You were right,” she said. “A big group of people did arrive, but they didn’t walk into my part of the casino. Instead, they all walked into an elevator at the back of the building. I’m not sure where that goes.” She looked thoughtful. “It was weird. They looked… How can I say it? Desperate? Something about the whole situation was very off. I’m gonna check out the elevator tomorrow.”
I told her to be careful, though, to be honest, I was excited to hear about what she discovered. When I visited my parent’s house the next night, I found her two kids there alone. They told me that Selene had never returned from work.
I called all her friends, then all our neighbors, but no one had seen her since she left for work that morning. Our conversations regarding the casino flooded my mind, then a plan began to form.
Early the next morning I walked across town in my nicest pair of jeans and a button-up shirt. I pushed through the door to the casino and saw that Selene wasn’t lying. The place was all but deserted. Three dozen slot machines crowded the walls surrounding a few tables interspersed throughout the floor of the casino. The only players in the whole building were Bob and Donald, two locals.
I walked up to a nearby table where Bridget, a girl I’d gone to high school with, was shuffling cards. She broke into a grin when she saw me. “Hey Orin, you here for a few rounds of blackjack?”
“I wish,” I said. “No, I’m here to ask about Selene. She never made it home last night.”
Bridget’s expression darkened. “Really? Have you asked around?”
“I already called around. Have you seen her?”
She shook her head. “No, our schedules rarely line up. I’ll be sure to let you know if I--” Her eyes focused on something behind me, and she cut herself off.
I turned around to see the casino’s pit boss watching us both. He was a tall thin man in an impeccably clean black suit. When I turned back towards Bridget, she was looking down at the table and shuffling cards absent-mindedly.
“Well, if you hear anything, let me know,” I said.
She nodded, so I turned around and headed for the pit boss. I stuck out my hand. The temperature of his hand was so hot that I had to pull my hand away after a few seconds.
“Have… have you seen my sister Selene?” I asked. “She hasn’t been seen since her shift here yesterday.”
He smiled. “Sir, this floor is for players. You’re more than welcome to head to the tellers for chips, but barring that I’m afraid I’ll have to ask you to leave.”
I stared at him for a long second before stalking towards the door. When I looked back, he was talking with Bridget.
I checked my watch. 8:55 AM, just as I’d planned. I walked around the back of the building and waited as the morning bus pulled around the building. I waited for the telltale hiss of the opening doors and the sound of people descending before I rounded the corner and joined the crowd. None of them paid any particular attention to me as I walked with them into the casino.
The crowd walked through a side door down a hallway to an elevator. Small groups of people entered the elevator as the rest of us waited for our turn. I shot a glance at the casino patrons, surprised at their diversity. There seemed to be people from all different countries and ethnicities. I heard one speaking Japanese and another speaking what sounded like an African language.
My turn came along with a few other patrons in the elevator. A sickly woman hobbled into the elevator beside me carrying an IV that was still connected to one of her veins. We piled in and rode up to the top.
The elevator rose for a few long seconds. I wasn’t sure what I would find, but I steeled myself for something horrible. The elevator’s speaker let out a TING, then the doors opened.
We all walked out onto what looked like a standard casino. Another few dozen slot machines ringed the walls, but on this floor, they were almost all occupied by customers. I took in the scene, confused at why they’d have a ground floor that was almost completely empty when this place was almost--
Selene was dealing cards at a nearby table.
I jogged over and sat down at an open seat. None of the players around me paid me much attention.
“Selene!” I said. “Are you OK? Did you spend the night here last night?”
Her eyes were glassy and confused. She looked up at me with a dumb expression and didn’t respond to my question.
“Selene?” I asked.
“What’s your bet?” she asked me. “This table is for blackjack players only.”
“I…” I trailed off, looking at the players around me. None of them were betting with chips of any kind. “What’s the minimum bet?” I asked.
“Three years,” she responded.
“Three years then,” I said, not knowing what that referred to.
Selene nodded, then began dealing cards. I shot a look down at my hand. King and a 9. Selene dealt out cards for herself, showing a 9. I stood, then leaned forward again. “Should I call the police? Are you--”
“Congratulations,” she said tonelessly.
An almost impossibly warm hand grabbed my shoulder. I spun to see the pit boss I’d spoken to earlier. He gave an impressed smile. “Orin, was it? I’m impressed, truly. Would you mind if I had a word with you?”
I shot a look back at Selene who was dealing the next round of cards. Then I got to my feet, balling my hands into fists. “What did you do to her?”
The pit boss clasped his hands behind his back. “Nothing more, and nothing less than what I’m going to do to you. That is, offer you the chance to play.”
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
The pit boss nodded his head towards a nearby slot machine. A woman in a wheelchair pulled a lever and watched the flashing numbers spin. They exploded in a cacophony of sirens and flashing lights. “WINNER WINNER WINNER!” The machine screeched.
The woman in the wheelchair put her feet on the ground and stood up on a pair of wobbly legs that had clearly never been used before.
“As in any other casino,” the pit boss said, “you must wager for the chance to win.”
“She... won the use of her legs?” I asked, feeling light-headed. “Wait,” I said. “I played blackjack just now. ‘Three years,’ Selene told me. What does ‘three years’ mean?” I asked.
“Three years of life, of course. Did you win?”
My mouth felt dry. “I-- Yes, I won.”
He smiled warmly. “Congratulations. I hope you enjoy them. I can tell you from personal experience that watching the decades pass is a bore. Give it some time and you’ll be back to spend them.”
I watched the pit boss’s face. He couldn’t have been more than a few years older than me, and I was in my early thirties. I looked around at the casino. No one was playing with chips of any kind. “So what?” I asked. “I won years of life. That woman won the use of her legs. What else can a person win here?”
“Oh, almost anything. They can win almost anything you can imagine.”
A cold feeling settled in my stomach. “And what do they wager?”
His eyes flashed with greed. “Almost anything. They can wager almost anything you can possibly imagine. Anything equal in value to the item they want in return.” He nodded towards a nearby roulette table.
A man stood by the table, cradling his hands. “Another finger,” he called out. He only had three fingers remaining on his left hand. As I watched, the ball came to a stop, and another finger disappeared from his left hand.
The pit boss extended his hands. “Feel free to try any of our games. Bet and win whatever you’d like.” He reached out and snatched my hand. A feeling of intense warmth passed up my arm to my chest. “There,” he said. “I’ve even given you some house money to get you started. An extra decade of life, on me.”
I ripped my hand away, staring at him in horror. Then I looked back at Selene. Something clicked in my mind. “You offered her the chance to play. What did she want?” I asked.
“Her husband,” the pit boss said. “Quite the sad story. He died two years ago. She wanted him brought back to her.”
“What did she wager?” I asked.
“She wanted the chance to win a soul, the most valuable object in existence. I’m sure you can imagine what she needed to wager for the chance to win it. What she wagered is unimportant. The important question is: What do you want, Orin?”
I stared at Selene with a flat expression. “I’m sure you can imagine.”
His eyes flashed with greed again. “How wonderful. The casino could always make use of another dealer. Feel free to make your wager at any one of our games; I’ll be eagerly awaiting the results of your night. Oh, and do take advantage of our waitresses. We always supply food and drink for ‘high rollers’.” He walked away.
I spent the next few hours trying to decide which game to play. I was going to be wagering my soul, so I wanted the highest chance possible. Slots and roulette were out. I’d done some reading online about counting cards, so I figured that blackjack gave me the best odds.
I walked up to Selene’s table and sat down. “Bet?” she asked with that same toneless voice. “Three years,” I said.
I spent the next hour or so doing my best to remember how to count cards. I knew that low cards added one to my count and high cards decreased it by one, but the casino used three decks. I had read something about how that was supposed to change my calculation, but I couldn’t quite remember how.
Every time I won a hand, I cursed myself for not putting everything on the line. Every time I lost, I breathed a prayer of thanks that I’d waited. And all the while, I kept track of the count.
I had lost fifteen years of life when the count finally reached +5.
“Bet?” Selene asked.
“I wager my soul so you can be free,” I said.
The table around me fell silent. Selene’s eyes flickered, but she showed no other emotion as she dealt the cards. I watched my first card, punching the air in excitement when I saw a Jack. My excitement turned to ash when my second card was a four. Fourteen.
I looked at her hand. One card was facedown, but the faceup card was a King. I swore loudly, staring down at my hands.
“Hit?” she asked. The entire table was silently watching me.
“Hit,” I said, not looking down. The table erupted in cheers. I looked down to see a 7 atop my two other cards. 21. Blackjack.
I looked at Selene who flipped over her facedown card to reveal a 9. 19. I won.
The glassy look left her eyes immediately. She looked around in surprise, then her eyes locked on mine. “Orin?” she asked, then almost immediately began to cry. The entire casino broke out in cheers.
I grabbed her hand and headed for the elevator. The doors had begun to close when the pit boss reached out with a hand to stop them.
“Congratulations,” he said, beaming. He seemed to be honestly excited.
“Shouldn’t you be upset?” I asked.
“Not at all. Casinos love it when we have big winners. It inspires the other players to make larger bets. I imagine I’ll gain two or three dealers before the night is through from your performance.”
“Great,” I said flatly. “Now let us go.”
“Not yet,” he said. “You didn’t just win, Orin. You got a blackjack. And blackjack pays out 1.5 times your bet. You won your sister’s soul and more.”
I stared, not sure what to say. “What are you saying? I won half a soul extra?”
The pit boss grinned wildly. “Just remember what I said. You’ll find living for decades and decades to be a boring experience. After a few centuries, you’ll be back to gamble that half a soul away. Congratulations!”
He removed his hand, and the elevator doors slammed shut.
I helped Selene back to her house. Her children were relieved. I watched them cry, then moved into the kitchen to start making dinner.
It’s been a few days since that experience. The casino is still out there, and buses full of people still arrive. I… I cut my hand pretty bad a few days later. When I checked it an hour later, it had already healed, no scar or anything. I’m not sure exactly what I won at that casino, but there’s no way I’m ever going back.
X

"Probe and vaporize?" "No, abduct and bring back to the mothership." "My way's more fun." "'Abduct'. Not 'Vaporize.'" "Okay, but humanity ain't gonna annihilate itself. All I'm sayin'."
A species that lacked genitalia and so reproduced purely through cloning, the Furon DNA was becoming corrupted after millennia of using and remixing the same samples. Fortunately, through some of their ancestors being frisky with the inhabitants of Earth, hidden within their brain stems was pure, undamaged Furon DNA. Crypto-136 was sent to the planet to collect some and send it back to his home planet. He was promptly shot down, captured, tortured, had information extracted from him, killed, and dissected. So Crypto-137 (and his supervisor, Pox) was sent to finish the job, being far more successful and managing to take over the United States of America by posing as its president. Over the next two decades, Crypto would continue to send a healthy amount of DNA to his homeworld, protecting his business from enemy alien species, genocidal French environmentalists, and a Colonel Sanders knockoff, every so often setting out once again to Destroy All Humans!

Legend

It should be noted that Crypto-137 is the playable character in Destroy All Humans, while Crypto-138 is played in the sequel and Big Willy Unleashed and Crypto-139 is the protagonist of Path of the Furon, both after their predecessor died between games. That being said, as they are exact clones of each other (the sole exception being 138 has genitalia), their feats are applicable for all versions.
Unmarked - Destroy All Humans! (2020 Remake) 2 - Destroy All Humans! 2 BWU - Destroy All Humans! Big Willy Unleashed PotF - Destroy All Humans! Path of the Furon

Physicals

• Punched in the face by an army commander, knocking him back
• Stabbed with a fish^PotF
• Hit by the Temporal Fist technique by an older, more experienced furon (attacking him a large amount of times in frozen time) before getting sent into a pillar with a final punch^PotF
• Crashes in his saucer after its power is knocked out by a Tesla coil, being knocked out but surviving otherwise unharmed
• In gameplay can catch a rocket before it hits him
• Runs away after a nearby tank fired before the ground by him explodes^PotF

Shield

Crypto is almost always protected by an energy shield which depletes when damage is dealt, and automatically regenerates after a period of being unharmed. With an upgrade the shield is briefly invulnerable after taking damage. While the shield is down, Crypto can be killed by practically any attack.

• Can block a blow from an enormous robotic squid's tentacle^PotF
• Blocks bullets and shotgun blasts
• Blocks bullets from an anti-aircraft gun
• Protects from a stomp which tears up the ground in a large circle around a mech, also covering the ground with flames
• Blocks tank shots^PotF
• Is mostly (but not fully) depleted from an explosion during a compulsory tutorial. A building, the front of which is a similar distance to the bomb as Crypto is, is leveled by the blast²
• Takes only a slight amount of damage from his Ion Blaster
• Can take blasts from a Nexosporidium warriors^PotF
  • One such blast can seemingly vaporize a human^PotF
• Blocks a stream of flame^PotF
• Protects against germs

PK

Crypto has potent psychic abilities which manifest in a number of ways.

Telekinesis

• Bends a tv aerial
• Catches a rocket before it hits him and throws it back
• Seems to get money out of an ATM before yanking it free and carrying it^PotF
• Lifts and throws large rocks
• Lifts and throws a generator^PotF
• Lifts and throws cows a great distance
• Easily moves around cars^PotF and vans^PotF
• With slight delay on picking it up, carries and throws a 50s era fighter plane
• With slight delay on picking it up, carries and throws a tank
  • A better shot of how far it can be thrown
• Throws a man into stone statues, obliterating them^PotF
• With an upgrade, can throw a small object with the same strength as if he was throwing something massive
• Can magnetize people and objects towards what he's holding^PotF
• Seems to restrain a person being lifted^PotF

Machine Influencing

• Activates a keypad
• Makes a crane drop its load
• Causes an EMP mine to explode
• Turns off a generator
• Influences a control panel to turn off the energy cage he's in
• Sabotages a saucer, causing it to break shortly after taking to the air

Mind Reading / Suggestion

• With a cortex scan, can read the mind of a person without them noticing
  • Also works on animals
• Makes a person dance to cause a distraction
• Compels people to dance with Free Love, making them forget any alien occurrences they just witnessed²
  • Using this on one person causes everyone in the surrounding area to also dance²
  • Has a Disco Fever variant in the seventies^PotF
• Can implant suggestions in people, such as making them follow him or whoever he's disguised as
  • These followers will protect Crypto in a fight if they're armed
  • After implanting a suggestion in a person to follow him to his saucer, it ends abruptly and they become aware of their situation as soon as they're standing under it
• Has a soldier open a gate for him
• Makes a man drive a truck carrying an atomic bomb to an air force base
• Causes people to forget what they just saw
  • Through making them forget, can stop a person from following him

Holobob

• Copies the appearance of a person, making them frozen and invisible while the disguise is up. It gradually loses power over time, needing Crypto to cortex scan people to replenish it
  • The fading of the disguise is a representation to the player of it losing power, while surrounding humans don't notice anything wrong
  • The disguise breaks when Crypto commits an offensive psychic action, causing people to see him as an alien threat. If Crypto hides for a short while, he can continue using the same Holobob without issue
• Can convincingly portray people, as shown with him acting as a town's mayor at a speech with none of them noticing an issue
  • Portrays the President of the United States in a televised address without anyone seeing an issue

Body Snatch

• Allows Crypto to jump into the body of a person, controlling them. He can come out of the body without issue when he wishes to leave it²
• While possessing a body, it slowly loses energy with the body dying once this bar depletes. Energy can be replenished by cortex scanning people^PotF
  • Energy is also lost through the body taking damage²
  • When the body dies, Crypto is ejected without injury²
• Body snatches animals such as a cow^BWU and a chicken^BWU
• Body snatches another furon^PotF
• Crypto can perform other PK abilities while bodysnatching someone²
• Can body snatch while both him and his target is wearing a helmet on the moon²
• Body snatches from a distance without the person noticing, though it could be down purely to how people in Big Willy Unleashed are notably unresponsive to anything happening around them^BWU
• Body snatching a drunk person makes Crypto drunk while possessing them^PotF
• His voice does not change while body snatching someone. This does not make anyone he talks to think anything's weird, as he can talk to a KGB agent while possessing another KGB agent without issue being raised²
  • Portrays a mob godfather without anyone thinking anything's wrong^PotF

Transmog

• Transmutes an item into ammunition for his weapons by breaking objects down to their most basic components and reforming them
• Works on both small objects, like a kid's cart, and large objects, like a car
• Transmogs a large armoured vehicle²
• Can be used as a means of destroying vehicles²

Brain Extract

• Blows up a person's head, easily allowing Crypto to collect a person's brain stem
• Also works on corpses
• Can be transmitted to multiple targets when a person's head explodes
• Humans in the final stages of this attack their allies

Mind Flash

• Completely stuns every human in the world² for a short time, as shown here, though some humans are more resistant than others. This ability is replenished through collecting brain stems²

Time Stop

• Can stop time for a period with Crypto (or whoever he's body snatching) being able to freely move about in the meantime^PotF
• With the Temporal Fist technique can use his telekinesis in stopped time, with thrown objects flying in the fired direction when time resumes^PotF
  • Throws a projectile spat at him at high speeds back at his attacker like this^PotF
  • As objects put in the air remain there, Crypto can place and jump on platforms to reach high areas^PotF
• Fires his Ion Detonator, with the blasts exploding when time resumes^PotF

Other

• Seems to knock a man out by hitting him with psychic energy
• Makes an explosive barrel explode
• Makes a large radioactive hay bale explode
• Appears to teleport in from somewhere, though exactly how or from where is unknown^PotF

Weapons

Zap-O-Matic

• Shoots streams of electricity to shock and kill enemies
• Can chain between enemies
  • While the damage usually decreases with each enemy it links to, an upgrade has the power increase instead
• Destroys slot machines^PotF
• Obliterates a poker table with a short blast^PotF
• Blows up a 70s car with a sustained blast^PotF
• Destroys the bars of a cage he's trapped in^BWU
• Knocks a man out with a brief shock^PotF
• Is collapsible²
• By shocking them, activates and powers petrol-fueled generators^PotF

Anal Probe

• Shoots a beam which goes up the target's ass, damaging both their behind and their head until their head explodes, allowing Crypto to extract their brain stem
  • Can fire multiple of these probes
• Are heat seeking and burst fire in Path of the Furon,^PotF capable of firing multiple rounds at a single person or shooting at multiple people at once^PotF
• Disinfects humans of a spore which mutates them into a creature without killing them²

Disintegrator Ray

• Destroys slot machines^PotF
• Disintegrates people^BWU
• Disintegrates cows in two shots
• Sets targets ablaze with repeat shots
• Blows up large metal boxes
• Can be upgraded to be rapid fire and to shoot up to three blasts at the same time
• Shoots balls of fire
  • In Path of the Furon, they instead shoot ultra-hot antimatter slugs^PotF

Ion Detonator

• Shoots balls which explode in a large field of energy after a certain amount of time has elapsed, or on command
• The blast disintegrates people
• Can pull objects and enemies towards the projectile before it explodes
• An upgrade gives it a high chance of transmogging objects and vehicles it destroys
• With an upgrade, time slows for a short while after a blast explodes, with this ending early if Crypto attacks again. It's unknown if this is genuinely time slowing or if it's just Crypto's perception of time, though the description implies the former

Dislocator

• Doesn't deal damage, but sends whatever it hits moving about at notable speed, including heavily armoured vehicles²
• Easily moves a double decker bus²

Meteor Strike

• Locks onto a spot and calls down a meteor to strike it²
• Can destroy buildings²
• With an upgrade, calls down three meteors plus a small planetoid²

Gastro Gun

• A janitor and cook from Crypto's mothership, like Pox he downloaded his consciousness into a floating hologram unit outfitted with weapons. It shoots powerful energy blasts before self-destructing on running out of energy²

Burrow Beast

• Fires a ball of bait which can me moved about through telekinesis, luring out a large worm-like creature to burrow along the ground, erupting out to eat people²

Ball Lightning

• Shoots a floating ball of electricity which zaps all nearby enemies^BWU
• Can charge the Big Willy mech^BWU

Zombie Gun

• Turns enemies into zombies^BWU

Shrink Ray

• Fires blasts which shrink what they hit, be them enemies or objects^BWU

Superballer

• Shoots a ball which streams a rainbow behind it, homing in on enemies as it bounces around^PotF
• Carries enemies with it^PotF

Venus Human Trap

• Spawns a large, man-eating plant where it shoots^PotF
• Its vines can lift a police car^PotF
• Only one can be active at a time, lest they attack each other^PotF

Black Hole Gun

• Creates a miniature black hole where it shoots, sucking in nearby objects and obliterating them before disappearing shortly after. It is used to destroy to large, thick metal doors^PotF
• Destroys a generator^PotF

Other Gear

Jetpack

• Expands from his back, letting him fly up a distance before stopping to prevent the jetpack from disastrously overheating. While not propelling him up, allows him to glide and slow his descent
  • Can be improved to give him much greater flight time before needing to cool down and glide^PotF
• Lets Crypto dash forwards a short distance
  • Can deflect projectiles and send massive enemies flying
• Through the Supra Kinetic Antigrav Thrust Enhancer (S.K.A.T.E.), Crypto combines thrust from the jetpack with psychic energy around his feet to float around at high speed along solid and semi-solid surfaces

Holopox

• A floating holographic communicator Pox uses to communicate with Crypto, either remotely or due to him having downloaded his consciousness into it from Destroy All Humans 2 onwards
• Has a weapon that seemingly obliterates a furon^PotF
• Creates a hologram of a film projector, which then somehow projects a film onto a screen

Saucer

In Path of the Furon, after getting drunk and crashing his original flying saucer in his casino, Crypto was gifted a new one by Pox after getting back in action. Its capabilities are mostly the same, but unless that saucer or a composite saucer is specified while using Crypto feats marked PotF should be excluded.

Shield

Like Crypto, the saucer has a shield which protects it from damage and will be destroyed if hit when depleted. It also can be upgraded to be briefly invincible after taking a hit. Unlike Crypto's, the ship's shield doesn't automatically regenerate, instead needing to drain energy from vehicles to do so, whether they just be nearby or being held in its abduct-o-beam²

• In a cutscene, has an atomic bomb explode nearby it
  • Said bomb was labelled as being 10,000 MT
• Shot by tanks
• Can take direct hits from missiles and anti-aircraft guns

Repulse-O-Tron

• Emits an energy pulse from the saucer, destroying nearby missiles
• With an upgrade, can repel projectiles back to whoever fired them

Abduct-O-Beam

• Raises people into the air, being able to suck them into the saucer²
  • The new saucer can do this en-masse^PotF
• Carries and throws around cars and trucks
• Lifts and throws a tank
• Can transmog abducted vehicles, turning them into ammunition²
• Can be used while cloaked^BWU

Cloak

• Turns the Saucer invisible²
• Can instead disguise it as a blimp^BWU

Weapons

Object Destruction
These can be done by any attack in their respective games, either with an extended Death Ray (as shown in most of these) or some other accumulation of damage.

• Instantly destroys blimps²
• Destroys cars and anti-aircraft guns
• Destroys army trucks and tanks
  • Can make them flip high into the air on being destroyed
  • The upgraded Death Ray and other more powerful attacks can instantly destroy tanks^PotF
• Blows up a two storey building
• Levels a large building²
• Blows up a large diner
• Levels a warehouse^BWU
• Blows up a skyscraper with extended damage^PotF
• With a heavy amount of damage, causes the collapse of the Space Dust casino^PotF

Death Ray

• In a cutscene, obliterates a lighthouse with a brief blast
• With a large amount of damage destroys a giant building^PotF
• Can shoot directly down

Sonic Boom

• Shoots powerful blasts of sonic energy
• Sends a tank flying²
• Destroying a vehicle has that vehicle create a large shockwave, which in turn causes vehicles they destroy to make large shockwaves
• Blasts can be surrounded by a vortex which sucks in missiles and other projectiles, adding their damage to the boom's blast

Quantum Deconstructer

• Shoots a green blast of energy which expands on contact, dealing incredible damage and being able to instantly blow up buildings
• Objects and buildings destroyed by it have a chance of being transmogrified into ammo

Anti-Grav Field

• Creates a spot which has everything in the immediate area float and gravitate towards it²

Electro-Cone

• Creates a field of electricity around the saucer, striking targets below with bolts of electricity^BWU
• Quickly fries and destroys trucks^BWU

Seeker Drones

• Projectiles which lock onto potentially multiple targets, homing in on them when fired^PotF

Plasma Cannons

• Shoots rapid fire energy blasts^PotF

Tornadotron

• Creates a tornado that Crypto can control around, also being the only weapon he can use while cloaked^PotF

Other

• Gets zapped by a large Tesla coil, deactivating it and causing it to crash, but it still functions when Crypto re-obtains it
• Quickly flies from the upper atmosphere down to Earth
• Can slowly lower and raise Crypto to and from the ground
• Seems to restrain a person underneath it with energy around the limbs, also being able to flip them in the process
• Can blend the genes of abducted humans to improve the effects of the saucer and Crypto in various ways, such as letting him body snatch certain types of people faster²
• Has an experiment table inside of it^PotF
• Contains a Jump Probe, which greatly hurts anyone inside of it while seemingly rapidly aging them, used as a torture device to extract info
• Its fuel cells, if breached with explosives a few blocks away from the White House, could level the entire city
  • In Path of the Furon, the saucer runs on furon super go-go sludge or, in lieu of that, radioactive waste^PotF
• In Destroy All Humans! 2 and Path of the Furon, the saucer can only land at sites designated by statues to the old furon god after fulfilling their task^PotF

Big Willy

Big Willy is the fast food chain Pox set up to dispose of the corpses Crypto left behind while turning a profit on the side. Each of their 500 locations (or at least the three locations seen) have a giant statue of its mascot outside of it, which is actually a mech suit Crypto can pilot.

Physicals

• Jumps in to where Crypto is^BWU
• Makes a vehicle-moving shockwave on jumping^BWU
• Uproots and throws a tree^BWU
• Lifts and throws cars^BWU
• Picks up and throws a large stone pillar with it shattering on impact^BWU
• Picks up and throws tanks^BWU
  • A better view of the possible distance^BWU
• Has a thrown rock shatter on it^BWU
• Can be shot by a tank which immediately before leveled a warehouse in a single shot, with the tank's driver asking what the mech's made out of^BWU

Abilities

Regurg-A-Tron

• Sprays green liquid from the mouth, damaging anything in front of it^BWU

Heat Beams

• Shoots lasers from his eyes, which with extended blasts can level buildings^BWU

Wind Breaker

• Releases a burst of gas all around Big Willy, causing heavy damage^BWU

Other

• When Big Willy gets hit, it loses energy. It can also be deactivated for a time through an EMP blast^BWU
• Can be recharged through Crypto's electric weapons hitting a device which comes out of its back^BWU
  • Also recharges through consuming brains^BWU

Weaknesses

• Is notably weak to water, with it rapidly draining his shield and potentially killing him
  • Water acts as acid to furons
  • In Big Willy Unleashed, it instantly kills him on contact^BWU
  • He no longer takes any form of damage with water in Path of the Furon^PotF
• Electromagnetic pulse emitters can stop his equipment weapons and jetpack from working^BWU
• EMP mines deal damage and temporarily deactivate his weapons
• When some humans had their latent furon DNA activated, they could hurt Crypto with the equivalent of mental screaming

Other

• Has a vision augmentation that connects his weapons to his cerebral cortex, allowing him to lock onto enemies
  • Can easily switch his lock on between enemies
• Attaches a helmet to his suit to survive on the moon²
• In Big Willy Unleashed, whenever Crypto dies it's said his genetic material is quickly replicated and cloned, being able to continue the mission immediately. However, a new clone isn't canonically made until between Big Willy Unleashed, and this doesn't appear representative of the process in the rest of the games^BWU

"You two-bit tin horn petty tyrant! I fart bigger than you! You think just because you can keep a few depressed peasants in line you can go toe to toe with me? I'm the king of the world! The master of disaster! The baddest dude in the whole damn town! King Kong ain't got nothing on me!"

I grew up in a small mountain town named Eureka. It was founded in the late 1800s during the gold rush, but after the mines dried up the town began its slow descent into decay. Half the houses are empty or abandoned now.
You can see a picture of the kind of houses here in Eureka:
Abandoned House
Non-abandoned House
When a massive construction project began nearby, it was the talk of the town for weeks. Why would they build something in a sleepy dying town like Eureka? It wasn’t until my sister Selene talked to a few construction workers that we discovered they were building a casino.
A casino up in the mountains, over two hours away from Denver. None of us could understand why they’d chosen here of all places. After a few months of work, the casino was done.
I took a picture of the town with the completed casino in the background to the right. The ten-story-structure sticks out like a sore thumb off in the distance.
Town+Casino
After the casino opened, they hired a few dozen members of the town, offering high paying jobs to work as dealers or cleaning staff. I was already employed as a firefighter, but my sister Selene got a job as a blackjack dealer. She’s a widow with two young kids, so the paycheck was a real lifesaver.
Still, something about the situation seemed too good to be true. The jobs over there paid far too well, and the management was far too accommodating. The fire station where I work is located high on a hill overlooking the town, so I began watching the casino from a distance each day.
I had initially thought that the casino was located in a terrible location, but I was apparently wrong. True, Eureka was hours from any major city, but despite that, a bus full of people arrived every morning and left every evening.
One night I was over at my parent’s house and had dinner with Selene and her kids. I asked her about her experience as a dealer.
“It’s Ok,” she said. “Just a little boring I guess.”
“Boring?” I asked. “I’m surprised you don’t have your hands full.”
“Why’s that?” she asked. “It’s like you said, Eureka’s too small. I never have people playing cards. The casino is almost always completely empty.”
I wasn’t sure what to make of that. If the place was always empty, what happened to the people who I’d seen arriving on buses? “I’ve been keeping an eye on the building,” I said. “A bus full of people typically arrives around 9 AM every day.”
“Really?” she asked, looking confused. “If that’s true, I’ve never seen them.
“I can see it from the fire station,” I said. “If you head out for a smoke break at 9 AM, you’ll probably see them arriving.”
“Interesting,” she said. “I’ll do that. If they’re being processed for their organs or something, I’ll let you know.” She laughed.
“Har har,” I said sarcastically.
The next night she sent me a text calling me over. When I arrived, she was nearly breathless with excitement.
“Orin, You were right,” she said. “A big group of people did arrive, but they didn’t walk into my part of the casino. Instead, they all walked into an elevator at the back of the building. I’m not sure where that goes.” She looked thoughtful. “It was weird. They looked… How can I say it? Desperate? Something about the whole situation was very off. I’m gonna check out the elevator tomorrow.”
I told her to be careful, though, to be honest, I was excited to hear about what she discovered. When I visited my parent’s house the next night, I found her two kids there alone. They told me that Selene had never returned from work.
I called all her friends, then all our neighbors, but no one had seen her since she left for work that morning. Our conversations regarding the casino flooded my mind, then a plan began to form.
Early the next morning I walked across town in my nicest pair of jeans and a button-up shirt. I pushed through the door to the casino and saw that Selene wasn’t lying. The place was all but deserted. Three dozen slot machines crowded the walls surrounding a few tables interspersed throughout the floor of the casino. The only players in the whole building were Bob and Donald, two locals.
I walked up to a nearby table where Bridget, a girl I’d gone to high school with, was shuffling cards. She broke into a grin when she saw me. “Hey Orin, you here for a few rounds of blackjack?”
“I wish,” I said. “No, I’m here to ask about Selene. She never made it home last night.”
Bridget’s expression darkened. “Really? Have you asked around?”
“I already called around. Have you seen her?”
She shook her head. “No, our schedules rarely line up. I’ll be sure to let you know if I--” Her eyes focused on something behind me, and she cut herself off.
I turned around to see the casino’s pit boss watching us both. He was a tall thin man in an impeccably clean black suit. When I turned back towards Bridget, she was looking down at the table and shuffling cards absent-mindedly.
“Well, if you hear anything, let me know,” I said.
She nodded, so I turned around and headed for the pit boss. I stuck out my hand. The temperature of his hand was so hot that I had to pull my hand away after a few seconds.
“Have… have you seen my sister Selene?” I asked. “She hasn’t been seen since her shift here yesterday.”
He smiled. “Sir, this floor is for players. You’re more than welcome to head to the tellers for chips, but barring that I’m afraid I’ll have to ask you to leave.”
I stared at him for a long second before stalking towards the door. When I looked back, he was talking with Bridget.
I checked my watch. 8:55 AM, just as I’d planned. I walked around the back of the building and waited as the morning bus pulled around the building. I waited for the telltale hiss of the opening doors and the sound of people descending before I rounded the corner and joined the crowd. None of them paid any particular attention to me as I walked with them into the casino.
The crowd walked through a side door down a hallway to an elevator. Small groups of people entered the elevator as the rest of us waited for our turn. I shot a glance at the casino patrons, surprised at their diversity. There seemed to be people from all different countries and ethnicities. I heard one speaking Japanese and another speaking what sounded like an African language.
My turn came along with a few other patrons in the elevator. A sickly woman hobbled into the elevator beside me carrying an IV that was still connected to one of her veins. We piled in and rode up to the top.
The elevator rose for a few long seconds. I wasn’t sure what I would find, but I steeled myself for something horrible. The elevator’s speaker let out a TING, then the doors opened.
We all walked out onto what looked like a standard casino. Another few dozen slot machines ringed the walls, but on this floor, they were almost all occupied by customers. I took in the scene, confused at why they’d have a ground floor that was almost completely empty when this place was almost--
Selene was dealing cards at a nearby table.
I jogged over and sat down at an open seat. None of the players around me paid me much attention.
“Selene!” I said. “Are you OK? Did you spend the night here last night?”
Her eyes were glassy and confused. She looked up at me with a dumb expression and didn’t respond to my question.
“Selene?” I asked.
“What’s your bet?” she asked me. “This table is for blackjack players only.”
“I…” I trailed off, looking at the players around me. None of them were betting with chips of any kind. “What’s the minimum bet?” I asked.
“Three years,” she responded.
“Three years then,” I said, not knowing what that referred to.
Selene nodded, then began dealing cards. I shot a look down at my hand. King and a 9. Selene dealt out cards for herself, showing a 9. I stood, then leaned forward again. “Should I call the police? Are you--”
“Congratulations,” she said tonelessly.
An almost impossibly warm hand grabbed my shoulder. I spun to see the pit boss I’d spoken to earlier. He gave an impressed smile. “Orin, was it? I’m impressed, truly. Would you mind if I had a word with you?”
I shot a look back at Selene who was dealing the next round of cards. Then I got to my feet, balling my hands into fists. “What did you do to her?”
The pit boss clasped his hands behind his back. “Nothing more, and nothing less than what I’m going to do to you. That is, offer you the chance to play.”
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
The pit boss nodded his head towards a nearby slot machine. A woman in a wheelchair pulled a lever and watched the flashing numbers spin. They exploded in a cacophony of sirens and flashing lights. “WINNER WINNER WINNER!” The machine screeched.
The woman in the wheelchair put her feet on the ground and stood up on a pair of wobbly legs that had clearly never been used before.
“As in any other casino,” the pit boss said, “you must wager for the chance to win.”
“She... won the use of her legs?” I asked, feeling light-headed. “Wait,” I said. “I played blackjack just now. ‘Three years,’ Selene told me. What does ‘three years’ mean?” I asked.
“Three years of life, of course. Did you win?”
My mouth felt dry. “I-- Yes, I won.”
He smiled warmly. “Congratulations. I hope you enjoy them. I can tell you from personal experience that watching the decades pass is a bore. Give it some time and you’ll be back to spend them.”
I watched the pit boss’s face. He couldn’t have been more than a few years older than me, and I was in my early thirties. I looked around at the casino. No one was playing with chips of any kind. “So what?” I asked. “I won years of life. That woman won the use of her legs. What else can a person win here?”
“Oh, almost anything. They can win almost anything you can imagine.”
A cold feeling settled in my stomach. “And what do they wager?”
His eyes flashed with greed. “Almost anything. They can wager almost anything you can possibly imagine. Anything equal in value to the item they want in return.” He nodded towards a nearby roulette table.
A man stood by the table, cradling his hands. “Another finger,” he called out. He only had three fingers remaining on his left hand. As I watched, the ball came to a stop, and another finger disappeared from his left hand.
The pit boss extended his hands. “Feel free to try any of our games. Bet and win whatever you’d like.” He reached out and snatched my hand. A feeling of intense warmth passed up my arm to my chest. “There,” he said. “I’ve even given you some house money to get you started. An extra decade of life, on me.”
I ripped my hand away, staring at him in horror. Then I looked back at Selene. Something clicked in my mind. “You offered her the chance to play. What did she want?” I asked.
“Her husband,” the pit boss said. “Quite the sad story. He died two years ago. She wanted him brought back to her.”
“What did she wager?” I asked.
“She wanted the chance to win a soul, the most valuable object in existence. I’m sure you can imagine what she needed to wager for the chance to win it. What she wagered is unimportant. The important question is: What do you want, Orin?”
I stared at Selene with a flat expression. “I’m sure you can imagine.”
His eyes flashed with greed again. “How wonderful. The casino could always make use of another dealer. Feel free to make your wager at any one of our games; I’ll be eagerly awaiting the results of your night. Oh, and do take advantage of our waitresses. We always supply food and drink for ‘high rollers’.” He walked away.
I spent the next few hours trying to decide which game to play. I was going to be wagering my soul, so I wanted the highest chance possible. Slots and roulette were out. I’d done some reading online about counting cards, so I figured that blackjack gave me the best odds.
I walked up to Selene’s table and sat down. “Bet?” she asked with that same toneless voice. “Three years,” I said.
I spent the next hour or so doing my best to remember how to count cards. I knew that low cards added one to my count and high cards decreased it by one, but the casino used three decks. I had read something about how that was supposed to change my calculation, but I couldn’t quite remember how.
Every time I won a hand, I cursed myself for not putting everything on the line. Every time I lost, I breathed a prayer of thanks that I’d waited. And all the while, I kept track of the count.
I had lost fifteen years of life when the count finally reached +5.
“Bet?” Selene asked.
“I wager my soul so you can be free,” I said.
The table around me fell silent. Selene’s eyes flickered, but she showed no other emotion as she dealt the cards. I watched my first card, punching the air in excitement when I saw a Jack. My excitement turned to ash when my second card was a four. Fourteen.
I looked at her hand. One card was facedown, but the faceup card was a King. I swore loudly, staring down at my hands.
“Hit?” she asked. The entire table was silently watching me.
“Hit,” I said, not looking down. The table erupted in cheers. I looked down to see a 7 atop my two other cards. 21. Blackjack.
I looked at Selene who flipped over her facedown card to reveal a 9. 19. I won.
The glassy look left her eyes immediately. She looked around in surprise, then her eyes locked on mine. “Orin?” she asked, then almost immediately began to cry. The entire casino broke out in cheers.
I grabbed her hand and headed for the elevator. The doors had begun to close when the pit boss reached out with a hand to stop them.
“Congratulations,” he said, beaming. He seemed to be honestly excited.
“Shouldn’t you be upset?” I asked.
“Not at all. Casinos love it when we have big winners. It inspires the other players to make larger bets. I imagine I’ll gain two or three dealers before the night is through from your performance.”
“Great,” I said flatly. “Now let us go.”
“Not yet,” he said. “You didn’t just win, Orin. You got a blackjack. And blackjack pays out 1.5 times your bet. You won your sister’s soul and more.”
I stared, not sure what to say. “What are you saying? I won half a soul extra?”
The pit boss grinned wildly. “Just remember what I said. You’ll find living for decades and decades to be a boring experience. After a few centuries, you’ll be back to gamble that half a soul away. Congratulations!”
He removed his hand, and the elevator doors slammed shut.
I helped Selene back to her house. Her children were relieved. I watched them cry, then moved into the kitchen to start making dinner.
It’s been a few days since that experience. The casino is still out there, and buses full of people still arrive. I… I cut my hand pretty bad a few days later. When I checked it an hour later, it had already healed, no scar or anything. I’m not sure exactly what I won at that casino, but there’s no way I’m ever going back.
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…The raging river, pulled them down.
Now they’ll always, be together,
In that Happy Hunting Ground…
- Running Bear by Sonny James
“Snakeyes! New roller, please, next up.” The game runner raked in the dice and chips and ignored the despair in the countenance of the most recent “high roller”. Ted shook his head and other people crowded him away from the dice pit. He was almost out of funds and it was still early. He’d budgeted his, “loss level” carefully to maximize his time at the reservation casino. It was an older one, filled with stereotypical paintings and statues intended to honor the local First Nations Tribes while fulfilling the expectations of rude tourists. He looked around forlornly for a new game to play. He didn’t care for the slots or the drawn-out and ever-shifting card games… ah, Blackjack! There was an opening at the table.
He rushed over before anyone else could snag it and bustled onto the chair. “Okay to deal me in on the next hand?” He interrupted the dealer, who ignored him until he was done dealing out the rest of the players and raking in the chips. He still did not speak but once Ted placed the minimum bet, he flipped a card down in front of him and the game began. Ted immediately started winning the straightforward game. He picked up most of his losses from his unfortunate run at craps and was finally enjoying himself. The couple at the far end of the table had apparently had enough and didn’t care for the new player. Ted liked to talk to new people and thought he was good at it. Before long, the other players had left and it was down to him, the dealer, and an older man, who wore a black cowboy style hat and chain-smoked thin cigarillos.
Ted, grinning heartily at his latest win, glanced over at the man, who had just fired up his next cancer-stick, “You know casinos, and a few bars are the last public places where anyone smokes. I remember when there were smoking sections at most places and my parents told me that there used to be no restrictions. I’ll bet you get plenty of pressure to stop from your family and friends. It’s a pretty bad habit for your long-term health…” Ted usually rambled on past any non-verbal cues that people might give him to stop talking, yet his diatribe came to a screeching halt at the look with which the stern-faced elder favored him.
The older man drew in a long pull on the firestick and then exhaled the stinking cloud into Ted’s face. He coughed a little and gagged at the odor of the raw blend of tobacco and chemicals. The old one removed the cigarillo from his mouth and tapped ashes onto the edge of the table and down onto the floor at his toes, “Sonny, nobody cares. Nobody wants your opinion, and you are not special, no matter what your mommy told you. I’ll do as I please and if you don’t like it, go bother people at another table.”
Ted gaped in shock. In his mind, the man’s words verged on an “assault”. He looked helplessly at the dealer, who just ducked his head and tried not to laugh. Indignant, he rose, took his pile of chips and fled into the depths of the gaming house in search of a friendlier table. He didn’t find one that he liked, so he finally gave up and sat at the bar. The bartender seemed to ignore him in favor of tidying up her workspace. He cleared his throat and received only a glance. He mumbled as much to himself as to her, “I just want a drink while I wait for a table to open.” He wondered at her stony silence, maybe she resents me for being…
His vocal ruminations were interrupted by a feminine voice, “What do you want?”
Ted looked up to see the bartender, mocking smile in place below shining, mesmerizing eyes. Ted simply gaped and eventually worked his jaw uselessly. The bartender shrugged and walked back to the other end of the bar. She spoke with a large man who was clearly part of the security team. He glared at Ted while she spoke. Ted wanted to avoid a confrontation. He’d been conditioned that he should seek authorities if such a situation loomed. Yet casino security was the only available authority here locally. There were Tribal Police on the Reservation, but he wasn’t sure they would want to listen to him. He finally shrugged and decided to go back over to the hotel for the rest of the night. This trip had been very unsatisfying… like all those he’d taken since he moved away from his parents’ home a few years previously.
There was an indoor walkway to the hotel, but Ted decided to go by the outdoor route to get some fresh air and enjoy the natural beauty that the builders had incorporated into the facility. As he walked dejectedly down the sidewalk, local flora pressing in from each side, he heard, from the nearby forest, a screeching wail. It startled him and he had to stop a moment to catch his breath and wait for his heart rate to slow to something more manageable. He realized that it must have been an owl or some other night bird. His father had told him that there were always weird noises “out in the sticks”.
As he plunged his hands into his pockets and determined to go to his room for rest, he caught the faint smell of burning tobacco on the breeze. It wafted over his shoulder from behind and caused him to emit a feeble cough. He looked back in annoyance. In the shadows behind him, he saw a figure. It was dark and stood still in a way that made him uncomfortable. An orange glowing circle of embers hovered around the face and rendered just enough light to illuminate the blue-grey curls of smoke as they exited the tiny conflagration and rose above the brim of a black hat. The ember flared for a moment and then flashed to the ground and was snuffed by a shadowed… foot? It wasn’t exactly clear to Ted; the figure’s lower extremities were... blurred. An even brighter flare, from a lighter or match stabbed into Ted’s eyes as the Smoker lit his next cigarillo.
Ted glared irritation but felt uncomfortable at the unnatural stillness to which the figure returned once the new fire was lit. He coughed once more, this time deliberately in a passive-aggressive attempt to communicate his displeasure and resumed his walk. He strained to listen behind him to determine whether the figure followed. He truly wished to get away from the stink and the threat of cancer or other respiratory illnesses. He slowed to listen, then gave up and looked over his shoulder again. There was no figure in the dark back near the exit to the casino. He turned to resume his walk, but a smoky black form now loomed before him! Its eyes glowed and smoked like large twin cigars as it gaped a maw that emitted pure black smoke and glowed with blue flames within the deep tunnel of the throat. Ted’s consciousness fled his body and found itself in a burning nightmare landscape that extended for as far as he could perceive in all directions.
**** * ****
Darnell, known to his public as “Murder Bush” a deliberate mistranslation of “merde bouche” a.k.a. “Deadly Rapper” for having been a suspect in a shooting back in his youth, stepped up to the dice pit as the geeky dude left. He had plenty of chips and cash to back them. His entourage was there to support him and kiss his backside as often as he wished. He rolled through six passes before he crapped out. He hadn’t over-bet, so he’d won a small amount. He picked up his latest winning chips and handed them to the hostess who had kept him well plied with drinks and snacks. He was sure that for the right price, she would take care of his other needs. He played a few card tables and finished with Roulette.
Each time he won a few chips, he passed them on to the young woman or to one of his flunkies. In the end, they had all received at least some reward for the praises they’d heaped upon him; not for any real accomplishments, but rather to curry favor with the man whom they considered to be wealthy and important: a celebrity. The girl stayed at his side and except for when he asked her questions, she said nothing. He liked that: bitch know her place, he reveled in internal satisfaction. He liked her looks too. She was medium height and a little, “thick”. She was clearly interested but hadn’t gotten in his way when he flirted with other women. He truly liked this one. The more he considered her, the more he wanted to get down to business.
Eventually, he posed the question to her, “How much for the next few hours?” His brazen suggestion that she would take money for sexual favors was the final test. If she grew angry, then she didn’t appreciate his genius…
“Whatever you think is fair. How about we see if I can satisfy you? If I can, then you may want to be generous… as you have been so far.” She hefted the chips so that the pieces clinked in her palm. “If not, I don’t deserve a reward.”
She had passed with flying colors. Might even take this one back to civilization with me, he purred in his mind. He’d always thought of himself as a Big Cat… maybe a leopard or jaguar, definitely something dangerous and sleek. His need grew more intense by the moment. He desperately wanted this woman. “Come on, let’s go to my room.” He husked in a voice grown thick with desire.
They reached his suite, his groupies having been dismissed to their own nefarious pursuits, even his bodyguard. The big man had shrugged, “Your call boss-man.” and then stumped across the hallway to his own room. Now he was finally alone with… her. He stripped off his shirt and flipped his shoes into a corner. She stood by the window and watched. The drinks he’d consumed finally caught up with him before he’d shucked his pants and drawers, “Hold on, I’ll be right back.” He was excited, which made urinating a challenge, but it had to be done, so that he could maximize his pleasure. When he stepped from the restroom, au natural, he saw that his latest conquest had done the same and now stood, bare to the world and staring out the window, all the curtains on it pushed to one side, so that the night loomed and the light of a single small desk lamp lit the room. He stalked over to her, ready to take her right there at the window in full view of anyone who looked up from the outside. He secretly hoped for an audience. He enjoyed having others watch him take what he wanted.
She turned to face him, her head lowered… no, it had sunken into her body, only her hair remained above her shoulders! A… mouth, gaping and slavering opened on her stomach, a mouth too large for her body and rimmed with rows of teeth like sharpened spikes. She stepped forward to embrace him and the screaming began… sounds that he was accustomed to eliciting from others rather than emitting from his own person.
**** * ****
“Rhino” was unhappy. He didn’t like to leave Darnell unattended. Perhaps now that his boss was in the room, he could go stand guard outside the door. He took care of some personal ablutions as he wolfed down a couple of energy bars and then walked out into the hallway. He started to settle in front of Darnell’s door, when he heard a muffled scream and faint… slobbering-gobbling noises come from the other side. He quickly tried the door, initially too panicked to think of the extra key card with which Darnell had entrusted him. He fumbled for it and soon had the door open. The interior was completely dark. The light from the hallway spilled inward but didn’t seem to reach as far into the room as it should.
He drew his pistol from the holster on his waistband and began to stalk forward, “Boss, you okay? You hurt?” The room was as silent as a tomb, he shivered a little as that thought crossed his mind. Over by the closed drapes, he smelled something awful: fresh blood and spilled entrails… recent death. His feet squelched on wet carpet. He turned around quickly. There had been no noise, but he’d felt a… presence. There she stood, arms spread wide, mouth on her gut spread wider. Rhino wasn’t one to scream or yell, even in extremis, so no others would come to this room to investigate.
**** * ****
Shelly was glad when the rowdy group left the roulette wheel that sat behind her favorite row of slots. The former “one-armed bandits”, that were now, “multiple button digital bandits” lined every available wall space, and in some spaces stood in rows that drew regulars like a dung-heap draws flies. She’d grabbed her favorite machine early in the evening and sat sliding in dollar bills and working up her points. It was called “Buffalo Dance” and featured images of American Bison and feather-bedecked hunters. The theme on the screen matched and she hoped to one day see the “White Buffalo” image adorn the entire set of images… the grand prize view. Despite the fun graphics, it was her favorite because it was near a restroom and a free soda and snack bar. She found herself ahead and on a roll. She absently lipped her dangling cigarette back into her mouth for a long draw. The smoke obscured the screen for a moment, and then she noted a shadow that lengthened across the reflective surface. Someone stood close behind her. Someone who exuded a chilly air. She paused and looked around, “Can I help you?”
There was no answer, though the shadow shifted slightly as if its caster had heard her.
Now she grew annoyed, this is just the sort of thing to break my winning streak! she raged internally. She braced her hands against the machine and worked her buttocks to make the stool on which she perched spin, so she could confront her harasser. She gaped, and nearly lost her cigarette, there was no one standing near enough to cast the shadow. No one even faced her. She chalked it up to excitement, maybe someone stepped too close when passing to go to the restroom, she thought, still a little annoyed and... chilled.
She turned back to her game and continued working the buttons, pumping in bills, and winning, a little at a time, the points now built well above her investment. This weekend is gonna pay for the last two months of losing and breaking even, she thought triumphantly. The shadow loomed across the screen once more, this time even larger, as though the figure that cast it stood closer. The shape was amorphous but hinted at anthropomorphic. She shivered as an icy breeze flowed around her, as though the air conditioning had sent out a short, cold burst, a minor malfunction…
She turned around with more alacrity and determination than the last time, mouth agape, cigarette once more dangling… precipitously and endangering the cleavage she displayed, already baked and wrinkled from years of sunbathing. The frigid air passed, and no one stood anywhere near her, though a customer approached, headed for either snacks or relief. “Excuse me sir, did you just see someone, maybe a large man, standing behind me?”
The man paused and looked at her in confusion. He had clearly been absorbed in his own thoughts, “Er, what? Uh, No. I wasn’t really paying attention, but… no.” He bustled on toward the free fountain drinks machine.
Shelly shrugged, can’t give up now, the pot is even bigger. She checked her points; she was nearing her all-time high. The winnings would pay her space rental fee at the RV park for the entire month. She pressed and played the buttons more fervently than ever, determined to break the bank on straight points or to reach that magical spin that would offer an instant reward of $10,000.00. She set her new points record and reveled for a moment. She reached for the now small stack of dollar bills the rest having been devoured by the machine. She fed in the entire remaining amount, then once more gazed at the screen. It was entirely blackened by a looming shadow.
The temperature of the air around her plummeted and she shuddered with the sudden biting cold. The cigarette was long extinguished, and she’d let the cold fag fall into the ash tray built onto the side of the machine opposite the drink holder. She was so cold, and she wanted to cry out for help, but the darkness closed in around her as the shadow enveloped her and cut off her breathing. Her fingers, paused above the “spin” button, struck and as her consciousness faded, she saw the flashing blue light and heard the blare of the winner’s siren. White Buffalo images filled all nine spaces. I won! The grand prize!
**** * ****
Terry filled his large cup and stood sipping and daydreaming. He’d lost everything he’d budgeted to lose. Yet he knew that one more try would put him back in black for this trip. He mused about what he would do with the prize money. He’d set his limit at $300.00 and had quickly lost it all on slots. Maybe he could risk just a few more dollars… skip a lunch or two until his next paycheck if it didn’t work. He was startled by the jackpot winner’s flashing light and siren that went off just behind him. That bitch! He yelled internally. Figures some old used up skank would win the big prize. He looked over at the nearby machine with anger and envy vying for control of his senses. She was gone!
He stepped over to the machine and looked around in confusion. Maybe she’d gone to the restroom? No, she’d have passed right by me. He shook his head and stepped up to look at the screen. He could still feel the recent presence of a player, the trace of warmth from a human body that might linger in a space for just a moment after the human had vacated the space. He looked around the casino floor, she was nowhere in sight. She’d been wearing a low-cut silver-spangled top that was cut way too low for her sagging, sun-ravaged bosom. She should be easy to spy, she looked like a deflated disco ball that had fallen from the ceiling to play slots. The only thing that came his way was a train of employees, led by a waitress in a skimpy outfit with purple sparkles and carrying a tray with a glass and a dark bottle. She was followed by other employees, who’d formed a sort of conga line: they sang a congratulatory chorus as they approached.
Terry gaped for a moment when he realized that they thought he was the big winner. He’d have to deny it of course. Surely the woman would be back at any moment to claim her prize. The floor cameras would have recorded who had sat at the machine, but it was too late. The group of enthused employees encircled him, and the attractive young waitress poured him a glass of champagne and snuggled up to him. The manager approached and seized his hand for a vigorous shake, “Well done sir! I see that not only have you hit the jackpot, but you’ve raised an additional $3,000.00 in points. A fabulous prize and well played I’m sure.”
Terry was flabbergasted. He’d never won anything like this… I still haven’t, not really, he reminded himself. He rarely broke even on his gambling forays, whether to the casino, or the corner store for lottery tickets and video slots. He allowed himself to be swept into the reverie and led from the machine to the bar. The employees peeled away as they approached, and he soon found himself with only the bottle and a receipt that he could cash out before he left the premises. A sullen-looking woman stood behind the bar, wiping glasses and a large, mean-looking security staffer menaced the far end. He already had his bottle, so he wasn’t sure why the staff members had deposited him with these two killjoys. He shrugged, picked up the champagne and started to walk away from the bar.
“You can’t take that with you. Either drink it here or give it to me and I’ll put it in the trash.” The bartender stated in monotone.
The security officer stood up straight from where he’d been leaning against the far wall, apparently propping up the building. He folded his massive arms in a threatening manner. Silly, thought Terry, folded arms should be a hindrance, but I get the feeling he’s dangerous regardless. He figured that he’d had enough anyway and set the nearly empty bottle on the bar, “You can keep it ma’am. I can afford another at the hotel.” Terry started to walk away from the bar, but a huge ham-like hand seized his shoulder.
Sausage-sized fingers applied painful pressure, “You apologize to the lady.” The wet heat from a mouth placed uncomfortably close to his ear and beath smelling of river bottom, sent a shiver of disgust through his body. The voice was low and deep as the river that ran past the back side of the property.
Terry decided on the better part of valor and head facing forward to avoid the obscene orifice, “Sorry ma’am, I meant no offense.”
The fingers let go and a harsh laugh sounded from behind the bar. “He don’t even know why he’s apologizing, fool. He ain’t worth the trouble, let him go.”
Terry felt a slight shove and he was sent on his way to the cash-out window. There he met with the lead cashier, an older woman in drab clothing, “I’m sorry sir, we give out only these pre-paid cards, we cannot provide cash over $1,000.00. However, you can treat them like a debit or credit card.” the cashier informed him. It seemed he had no choice, so he accepted. Thirteen grand is thirteen grand, he assured himself. He was elated, though he continued to glance around nervously, waiting for the woman in the sparkly fish-scale top to accost him and name him thief. Yet she was nowhere to be seen. The floor was full of players, some laughing, some intense, some dejected or mesmerized by the games of chance in which they’d lost themselves.
He thought about what to do with the rest of his evening. He didn’t have a hotel room; he’d planned to sleep in his station wagon as he always did before the long haul home. Perhaps he should get a room? Maybe they would take him without a reservation… he giggled a little at the unintended pun: a reservation at the Reservation… he shook his head to clear his overreaction to the silly internal joke. He decided that maybe someone on staff could help him. He approached the major domo at the front entrance that led to the interior walkway and the hotel beyond, “Excuse me sir, do you know whether the hotel will accept a resident without a prior reservation?”
The man, single dark braid wrapped in a leather holder and draped over one shoulder, looked at him gravely, “Yes, I know.” He said nothing more and did not smile as though he’d intended to be humorous.
Terry tried again, “Will you tell me please?”
The man flicked his chin in the direction of the hotel, “See the clerk at the desk.”
“Jerk, you’d think I hadn’t pissed away enough cash in this place over the past few years,” Terry muttered as he stumped toward the hotel, ensuring that he was well beyond earshot before he spoke. His head had begun to buzz a little from the champagne. Took a while for it to affect me, he mused. The hallway appeared to narrow, and his peripheral vision grew grey. He felt dizzy and as he entered the main lobby, the large room began to spin. His last view was of the sky-blue ceiling decorated with a few puffy clouds as it faded into darkness like the sun had set.
He awakened to the sounds of voices chattering happily. He looked around, his vision blurred slightly and his head feeling heavy and sore. He soon found that he could not move his arms or legs… they were bound… he was strapped to a table. He saw numerous bodies moving about in the mostly dark space in which he found himself. “Please.” He croaked, throat dry and feeling scraped. “Please, help me, let me loose. Loose me…” his perceptions cleared slowly, and he saw that the bodies that moved around him, now chanting rhythmically rather than babble-chattering, were emaciated. The owners showed as much bone through their skin as would a dead thing, long decayed. He noted spikes above a few heads… no, antlers… The rest wore… masks? Of various beasts… no, the skulls of those creatures, still filled with glistening fangs. Their dance grew ever more frantic, more energetic than they should be capable of performing. Then one of them reached out with a stick, on the end of which was a small claw, taken and preserved from some dead animal. It used the claw to gouge out a scoop of flesh from Terry’s side. He screamed in torment and horror. His screams soon matched the rhythm of the chanting and they went on for a long time before they at last faded when he’d lost too much blood to remain conscious.
**** * **** END PAGE 1 of 2

There is a place, I've been frequenting. Not the best game in the area, but they seem to take my action well and their comps are actually very decent (I've been playing there rated, as you may guess). I've been using little cover and a civil bet spread to gain some extra longevity.
Some time ago, I've sat at a table and began doing my usual thing. Four seats on the table, I'm on one of the middle two. The guy to my side is a classic ploppy with ~95% basic strategy, playing side bets almost every hand, lingering around the table minimum, tipping too much for his own good. The gods of variance, however, have been kind to him and he's still there with me two hours later, just about breaking even.
Suddenly a wild suit appears, rushing through the pit and emerging right behind us. Just as I'm saying farewells to the comps in my mind, the tap on the shoulder comes... to the guy sitting next to me.
His bet gets pushed back, he gets pulled off the table just close enough for me to eavesdrop on bits and pieces of the conversation between him and the suit. "You play too well for us... you can stay on the property and play slots... no more table games..."
The guy was NOT having any of it. He raised his tone (wasn't hard to eavesdrop on what HE was saying) He kept demanding whether he's being accused of cheating. He kept insisting on talking to the casino manager. Yelling at the suit something along the lines of "I won $20 in the past two hours, so you're kicking me out?!?!" As he finally came back to the table, he openly spilled the circumstance to the other players and the dealer; shared his opinions of the casino's incompetence, indicated he'll now go and play at a competitive property nearby since this casino thinks he's cheating
From the little psychology I studied, his response most closely resembled one of an innocent man being accused of a crime.
As he was being backed off, I was certain in my mind that the casino fucked up. It was me who was supposed to be in his place. I cannot think of an advantage play, which has you play the table minimum, side bets almost every hand and tip the shit out of the dealer. Some guy from surveillance must've made the call "guy on the second base is counting" and some dumb ass upstairs must've counted the second base from the wrong side of the table. I expected at any moment for another suit to run from upstairs yelling "WTF ARE YOU DOING, IT'S THE GUY NEXT TO HIM!!!", but such suit never came.
Combating my urge to flight, I actually stayed until the end of the shoe, on which he was backed off, and an entire next shoe before I colored up. I did not change my game and spread properly. As I did color, I passed by the civilian, who was still arguing with the suit about seeing the casino manager and demanding surveillance tapes.
Now it wouldn't be a real story have it not had a conclusion. I let that casino rest for the next couple months. Full of fear and hope, I finally decided to drive out again, go in guns blazing, rated, and see what happens. On my last visit there, I've played for solid 3 hours, casually chatting with my usual dealers and pit bosses, playing my usual game with my usual spread. ZERO heat and a card full of comps.
Not sure how long it will last, but I believe I've earned a second life at that place at an expense of some poor ploppy's soul.

…The raging river, pulled them down.
Now they’ll always, be together,
In that Happy Hunting Ground…
- Running Bear by Sonny James
“Snakeyes! New roller, please, next up.” The game runner raked in the dice and chips and ignored the despair in the countenance of the most recent “high roller”. Ted shook his head and other people crowded him away from the dice pit. He was almost out of funds and it was still early. He’d budgeted his, “loss level” carefully to maximize his time at the reservation casino. It was an older one, filled with stereotypical paintings and statues intended to honor the local First Nations Tribes while fulfilling the expectations of rude tourists. He looked around forlornly for a new game to play. He didn’t care for the slots or the drawn-out and ever-shifting card games… ah, Blackjack! There was an opening at the table.
He rushed over before anyone else could snag it and bustled onto the chair. “Okay to deal me in on the next hand?” He interrupted the dealer, who ignored him until he was done dealing out the rest of the players and raking in the chips. He still did not speak but once Ted placed the minimum bet, he flipped a card down in front of him and the game began. Ted immediately started winning the straightforward game. He picked up most of his losses from his unfortunate run at craps and was finally enjoying himself. The couple at the far end of the table had apparently had enough and didn’t care for the new player. Ted liked to talk to new people and thought he was good at it. Before long, the other players had left and it was down to him, the dealer, and an older man, who wore a black cowboy style hat and chain-smoked thin cigarillos.
Ted, grinning heartily at his latest win, glanced over at the man, who had just fired up his next cancer-stick, “You know casinos, and a few bars are the last public places where anyone smokes. I remember when there were smoking sections at most places and my parents told me that there used to be no restrictions. I’ll bet you get plenty of pressure to stop from your family and friends. It’s a pretty bad habit for your long-term health…” Ted usually rambled on past any non-verbal cues that people might give him to stop talking, yet his diatribe came to a screeching halt at the look with which the stern-faced elder favored him.
The older man drew in a long pull on the firestick and then exhaled the stinking cloud into Ted’s face. He coughed a little and gagged at the odor of the raw blend of tobacco and chemicals. The old one removed the cigarillo from his mouth and tapped ashes onto the edge of the table and down onto the floor at his toes, “Sonny, nobody cares. Nobody wants your opinion, and you are not special, no matter what your mommy told you. I’ll do as I please and if you don’t like it, go bother people at another table.”
Ted gaped in shock. In his mind, the man’s words verged on an “assault”. He looked helplessly at the dealer, who just ducked his head and tried not to laugh. Indignant, he rose, took his pile of chips and fled into the depths of the gaming house in search of a friendlier table. He didn’t find one that he liked, so he finally gave up and sat at the bar. The bartender seemed to ignore him in favor of tidying up her workspace. He cleared his throat and received only a glance. He mumbled as much to himself as to her, “I just want a drink while I wait for a table to open.” He wondered at her stony silence, maybe she resents me for being…
His vocal ruminations were interrupted by a feminine voice, “What do you want?”
Ted looked up to see the bartender, mocking smile in place below shining, mesmerizing eyes. Ted simply gaped and eventually worked his jaw uselessly. The bartender shrugged and walked back to the other end of the bar. She spoke with a large man who was clearly part of the security team. He glared at Ted while she spoke. Ted wanted to avoid a confrontation. He’d been conditioned that he should seek authorities if such a situation loomed. Yet casino security was the only available authority here locally. There were Tribal Police on the Reservation, but he wasn’t sure they would want to listen to him. He finally shrugged and decided to go back over to the hotel for the rest of the night. This trip had been very unsatisfying… like all those he’d taken since he moved away from his parents’ home a few years previously.
There was an indoor walkway to the hotel, but Ted decided to go by the outdoor route to get some fresh air and enjoy the natural beauty that the builders had incorporated into the facility. As he walked dejectedly down the sidewalk, local flora pressing in from each side, he heard, from the nearby forest, a screeching wail. It startled him and he had to stop a moment to catch his breath and wait for his heart rate to slow to something more manageable. He realized that it must have been an owl or some other night bird. His father had told him that there were always weird noises “out in the sticks”.
As he plunged his hands into his pockets and determined to go to his room for rest, he caught the faint smell of burning tobacco on the breeze. It wafted over his shoulder from behind and caused him to emit a feeble cough. He looked back in annoyance. In the shadows behind him, he saw a figure. It was dark and stood still in a way that made him uncomfortable. An orange glowing circle of embers hovered around the face and rendered just enough light to illuminate the blue-grey curls of smoke as they exited the tiny conflagration and rose above the brim of a black hat. The ember flared for a moment and then flashed to the ground and was snuffed by a shadowed… foot? It wasn’t exactly clear to Ted; the figure’s lower extremities were... blurred. An even brighter flare, from a lighter or match stabbed into Ted’s eyes as the Smoker lit his next cigarillo.
Ted glared irritation but felt uncomfortable at the unnatural stillness to which the figure returned once the new fire was lit. He coughed once more, this time deliberately in a passive-aggressive attempt to communicate his displeasure and resumed his walk. He strained to listen behind him to determine whether the figure followed. He truly wished to get away from the stink and the threat of cancer or other respiratory illnesses. He slowed to listen, then gave up and looked over his shoulder again. There was no figure in the dark back near the exit to the casino. He turned to resume his walk, but a smoky black form now loomed before him! Its eyes glowed and smoked like large twin cigars as it gaped a maw that emitted pure black smoke and glowed with blue flames within the deep tunnel of the throat. Ted’s consciousness fled his body and found itself in a burning nightmare landscape that extended for as far as he could perceive in all directions.
**** * ****
Darnell, known to his public as “Murder Bush” a deliberate mistranslation of “merde bouche” a.k.a. “Deadly Rapper” for having been a suspect in a shooting back in his youth, stepped up to the dice pit as the geeky dude left. He had plenty of chips and cash to back them. His entourage was there to support him and kiss his backside as often as he wished. He rolled through six passes before he crapped out. He hadn’t over-bet, so he’d won a small amount. He picked up his latest winning chips and handed them to the hostess who had kept him well plied with drinks and snacks. He was sure that for the right price, she would take care of his other needs. He played a few card tables and finished with Roulette.
Each time he won a few chips, he passed them on to the young woman or to one of his flunkies. In the end, they had all received at least some reward for the praises they’d heaped upon him; not for any real accomplishments, but rather to curry favor with the man whom they considered to be wealthy and important: a celebrity. The girl stayed at his side and except for when he asked her questions, she said nothing. He liked that: bitch know her place, he reveled in internal satisfaction. He liked her looks too. She was medium height and a little, “thick”. She was clearly interested but hadn’t gotten in his way when he flirted with other women. He truly liked this one. The more he considered her, the more he wanted to get down to business.
Eventually, he posed the question to her, “How much for the next few hours?” His brazen suggestion that she would take money for sexual favors was the final test. If she grew angry, then she didn’t appreciate his genius…
“Whatever you think is fair. How about we see if I can satisfy you? If I can, then you may want to be generous… as you have been so far.” She hefted the chips so that the pieces clinked in her palm. “If not, I don’t deserve a reward.”
She had passed with flying colors. Might even take this one back to civilization with me, he purred in his mind. He’d always thought of himself as a Big Cat… maybe a leopard or jaguar, definitely something dangerous and sleek. His need grew more intense by the moment. He desperately wanted this woman. “Come on, let’s go to my room.” He husked in a voice grown thick with desire.
They reached his suite, his groupies having been dismissed to their own nefarious pursuits, even his bodyguard. The big man had shrugged, “Your call boss-man.” and then stumped across the hallway to his own room. Now he was finally alone with… her. He stripped off his shirt and flipped his shoes into a corner. She stood by the window and watched. The drinks he’d consumed finally caught up with him before he’d shucked his pants and drawers, “Hold on, I’ll be right back.” He was excited, which made urinating a challenge, but it had to be done, so that he could maximize his pleasure. When he stepped from the restroom, au natural, he saw that his latest conquest had done the same and now stood, bare to the world and staring out the window, all the curtains on it pushed to one side, so that the night loomed and the light of a single small desk lamp lit the room. He stalked over to her, ready to take her right there at the window in full view of anyone who looked up from the outside. He secretly hoped for an audience. He enjoyed having others watch him take what he wanted.
She turned to face him, her head lowered… no, it had sunken into her body, only her hair remained above her shoulders! A… mouth, gaping and slavering opened on her stomach, a mouth too large for her body and rimmed with rows of teeth like sharpened spikes. She stepped forward to embrace him and the screaming began… sounds that he was accustomed to eliciting from others rather than emitting from his own person.
**** * ****
“Rhino” was unhappy. He didn’t like to leave Darnell unattended. Perhaps now that his boss was in the room, he could go stand guard outside the door. He took care of some personal ablutions as he wolfed down a couple of energy bars and then walked out into the hallway. He started to settle in front of Darnell’s door, when he heard a muffled scream and faint… slobbering-gobbling noises come from the other side. He quickly tried the door, initially too panicked to think of the extra key card with which Darnell had entrusted him. He fumbled for it and soon had the door open. The interior was completely dark. The light from the hallway spilled inward but didn’t seem to reach as far into the room as it should.
He drew his pistol from the holster on his waistband and began to stalk forward, “Boss, you okay? You hurt?” The room was as silent as a tomb, he shivered a little as that thought crossed his mind. Over by the closed drapes, he smelled something awful: fresh blood and spilled entrails… recent death. His feet squelched on wet carpet. He turned around quickly. There had been no noise, but he’d felt a… presence. There she stood, arms spread wide, mouth on her gut spread wider. Rhino wasn’t one to scream or yell, even in extremis, so no others would come to this room to investigate.
**** * ****
Shelly was glad when the rowdy group left the roulette wheel that sat behind her favorite row of slots. The former “one-armed bandits”, that were now, “multiple button digital bandits” lined every available wall space, and in some spaces stood in rows that drew regulars like a dung-heap draws flies. She’d grabbed her favorite machine early in the evening and sat sliding in dollar bills and working up her points. It was called “Buffalo Dance” and featured images of American Bison and feather-bedecked hunters. The theme on the screen matched and she hoped to one day see the “White Buffalo” image adorn the entire set of images… the grand prize view. Despite the fun graphics, it was her favorite because it was near a restroom and a free soda and snack bar. She found herself ahead and on a roll. She absently lipped her dangling cigarette back into her mouth for a long draw. The smoke obscured the screen for a moment, and then she noted a shadow that lengthened across the reflective surface. Someone stood close behind her. Someone who exuded a chilly air. She paused and looked around, “Can I help you?”
There was no answer, though the shadow shifted slightly as if its caster had heard her.
Now she grew annoyed, this is just the sort of thing to break my winning streak! she raged internally. She braced her hands against the machine and worked her buttocks to make the stool on which she perched spin, so she could confront her harasser. She gaped, and nearly lost her cigarette, there was no one standing near enough to cast the shadow. No one even faced her. She chalked it up to excitement, maybe someone stepped too close when passing to go to the restroom, she thought, still a little annoyed and... chilled.
She turned back to her game and continued working the buttons, pumping in bills, and winning, a little at a time, the points now built well above her investment. This weekend is gonna pay for the last two months of losing and breaking even, she thought triumphantly. The shadow loomed across the screen once more, this time even larger, as though the figure that cast it stood closer. The shape was amorphous but hinted at anthropomorphic. She shivered as an icy breeze flowed around her, as though the air conditioning had sent out a short, cold burst, a minor malfunction…
She turned around with more alacrity and determination than the last time, mouth agape, cigarette once more dangling… precipitously and endangering the cleavage she displayed, already baked and wrinkled from years of sunbathing. The frigid air passed, and no one stood anywhere near her, though a customer approached, headed for either snacks or relief. “Excuse me sir, did you just see someone, maybe a large man, standing behind me?”
The man paused and looked at her in confusion. He had clearly been absorbed in his own thoughts, “Er, what? Uh, No. I wasn’t really paying attention, but… no.” He bustled on toward the free fountain drinks machine.
Shelly shrugged, can’t give up now, the pot is even bigger. She checked her points; she was nearing her all-time high. The winnings would pay her space rental fee at the RV park for the entire month. She pressed and played the buttons more fervently than ever, determined to break the bank on straight points or to reach that magical spin that would offer an instant reward of $10,000.00. She set her new points record and reveled for a moment. She reached for the now small stack of dollar bills the rest having been devoured by the machine. She fed in the entire remaining amount, then once more gazed at the screen. It was entirely blackened by a looming shadow.
The temperature of the air around her plummeted and she shuddered with the sudden biting cold. The cigarette was long extinguished, and she’d let the cold fag fall into the ash tray built onto the side of the machine opposite the drink holder. She was so cold, and she wanted to cry out for help, but the darkness closed in around her as the shadow enveloped her and cut off her breathing. Her fingers, paused above the “spin” button, struck and as her consciousness faded, she saw the flashing blue light and heard the blare of the winner’s siren. White Buffalo images filled all nine spaces. I won! The grand prize!
**** * ****
Terry filled his large cup and stood sipping and daydreaming. He’d lost everything he’d budgeted to lose. Yet he knew that one more try would put him back in black for this trip. He mused about what he would do with the prize money. He’d set his limit at $300.00 and had quickly lost it all on slots. Maybe he could risk just a few more dollars… skip a lunch or two until his next paycheck if it didn’t work. He was startled by the jackpot winner’s flashing light and siren that went off just behind him. That bitch! He yelled internally. Figures some old used up skank would win the big prize. He looked over at the nearby machine with anger and envy vying for control of his senses. She was gone!
He stepped over to the machine and looked around in confusion. Maybe she’d gone to the restroom? No, she’d have passed right by me. He shook his head and stepped up to look at the screen. He could still feel the recent presence of a player, the trace of warmth from a human body that might linger in a space for just a moment after the human had vacated the space. He looked around the casino floor, she was nowhere in sight. She’d been wearing a low-cut silver-spangled top that was cut way too low for her sagging, sun-ravaged bosom. She should be easy to spy, she looked like a deflated disco ball that had fallen from the ceiling to play slots. The only thing that came his way was a train of employees, led by a waitress in a skimpy outfit with purple sparkles and carrying a tray with a glass and a dark bottle. She was followed by other employees, who’d formed a sort of conga line: they sang a congratulatory chorus as they approached.
Terry gaped for a moment when he realized that they thought he was the big winner. He’d have to deny it of course. Surely the woman would be back at any moment to claim her prize. The floor cameras would have recorded who had sat at the machine, but it was too late. The group of enthused employees encircled him, and the attractive young waitress poured him a glass of champagne and snuggled up to him. The manager approached and seized his hand for a vigorous shake, “Well done sir! I see that not only have you hit the jackpot, but you’ve raised an additional $3,000.00 in points. A fabulous prize and well played I’m sure.”
Terry was flabbergasted. He’d never won anything like this… I still haven’t, not really, he reminded himself. He rarely broke even on his gambling forays, whether to the casino, or the corner store for lottery tickets and video slots. He allowed himself to be swept into the reverie and led from the machine to the bar. The employees peeled away as they approached, and he soon found himself with only the bottle and a receipt that he could cash out before he left the premises. A sullen-looking woman stood behind the bar, wiping glasses and a large, mean-looking security staffer menaced the far end. He already had his bottle, so he wasn’t sure why the staff members had deposited him with these two killjoys. He shrugged, picked up the champagne and started to walk away from the bar.
“You can’t take that with you. Either drink it here or give it to me and I’ll put it in the trash.” The bartender stated in monotone.
The security officer stood up straight from where he’d been leaning against the far wall, apparently propping up the building. He folded his massive arms in a threatening manner. Silly, thought Terry, folded arms should be a hindrance, but I get the feeling he’s dangerous regardless. He figured that he’d had enough anyway and set the nearly empty bottle on the bar, “You can keep it ma’am. I can afford another at the hotel.” Terry started to walk away from the bar, but a huge ham-like hand seized his shoulder.
Sausage-sized fingers applied painful pressure, “You apologize to the lady.” The wet heat from a mouth placed uncomfortably close to his ear and beath smelling of river bottom, sent a shiver of disgust through his body. The voice was low and deep as the river that ran past the back side of the property.
Terry decided on the better part of valor and head facing forward to avoid the obscene orifice, “Sorry ma’am, I meant no offense.”
The fingers let go and a harsh laugh sounded from behind the bar. “He don’t even know why he’s apologizing, fool. He ain’t worth the trouble, let him go.”
Terry felt a slight shove and he was sent on his way to the cash-out window. There he met with the lead cashier, an older woman in drab clothing, “I’m sorry sir, we give out only these pre-paid cards, we cannot provide cash over $1,000.00. However, you can treat them like a debit or credit card.” the cashier informed him. It seemed he had no choice, so he accepted. Thirteen grand is thirteen grand, he assured himself. He was elated, though he continued to glance around nervously, waiting for the woman in the sparkly fish-scale top to accost him and name him thief. Yet she was nowhere to be seen. The floor was full of players, some laughing, some intense, some dejected or mesmerized by the games of chance in which they’d lost themselves.
He thought about what to do with the rest of his evening. He didn’t have a hotel room; he’d planned to sleep in his station wagon as he always did before the long haul home. Perhaps he should get a room? Maybe they would take him without a reservation… he giggled a little at the unintended pun: a reservation at the Reservation… he shook his head to clear his overreaction to the silly internal joke. He decided that maybe someone on staff could help him. He approached the major domo at the front entrance that led to the interior walkway and the hotel beyond, “Excuse me sir, do you know whether the hotel will accept a resident without a prior reservation?”
The man, single dark braid wrapped in a leather holder and draped over one shoulder, looked at him gravely, “Yes, I know.” He said nothing more and did not smile as though he’d intended to be humorous.
Terry tried again, “Will you tell me please?”
The man flicked his chin in the direction of the hotel, “See the clerk at the desk.”
“Jerk, you’d think I hadn’t pissed away enough cash in this place over the past few years,” Terry muttered as he stumped toward the hotel, ensuring that he was well beyond earshot before he spoke. His head had begun to buzz a little from the champagne. Took a while for it to affect me, he mused. The hallway appeared to narrow, and his peripheral vision grew grey. He felt dizzy and as he entered the main lobby, the large room began to spin. His last view was of the sky-blue ceiling decorated with a few puffy clouds as it faded into darkness like the sun had set.
He awakened to the sounds of voices chattering happily. He looked around, his vision blurred slightly and his head feeling heavy and sore. He soon found that he could not move his arms or legs… they were bound… he was strapped to a table. He saw numerous bodies moving about in the mostly dark space in which he found himself. “Please.” He croaked, throat dry and feeling scraped. “Please, help me, let me loose. Loose me…” his perceptions cleared slowly, and he saw that the bodies that moved around him, now chanting rhythmically rather than babble-chattering, were emaciated. The owners showed as much bone through their skin as would a dead thing, long decayed. He noted spikes above a few heads… no, antlers… The rest wore… masks? Of various beasts… no, the skulls of those creatures, still filled with glistening fangs. Their dance grew ever more frantic, more energetic than they should be capable of performing. Then one of them reached out with a stick, on the end of which was a small claw, taken and preserved from some dead animal. It used the claw to gouge out a scoop of flesh from Terry’s side. He screamed in torment and horror. His screams soon matched the rhythm of the chanting and they went on for a long time before they at last faded when he’d lost too much blood to remain conscious.
**** * ****

My friends and I had some ideas for new locations, POI's and vehicles that we'd like to see in the upcoming seasons and game in general:
​

• LOCATIONS
  • A full town with grocery store, gas station, mall, school, etc.
  • A giant theme/amusement park in the center of the island (with rideable rollercoasters, Ferris wheels and bumper cars, along with carnival games where you can win better loot), Also during summer months, a water park
  • A giant Casino (that has the weapon vending machines all over the places, along with a bunch of ways to get metal)
  • A bank
  • A theater

​

• POIs
  • A beach area (Like Sweaty Sands, but with less buildings and more just beach homes)
  • 2 sections on opposite sides of the map: one that has giant buildings and the opposite having tiny buildings. (Think one section of the map is like Ant-Manor and the other is like all of the tiny island recreations in creative)
  • A mountainside laboratory (this could have different things from Chapter 1[Hop Rocks, bits and pieces of the rocket and the meteor and bits and pieces of the Chapter 2 island)
  • An Aquarium (Don't tap the glass! Holds all types of fish, including sharks[though their not rideable and are just for show])
  • A news station (Cameras and a green screen that can actually be used)
  • A travelling circus (You can get balloons and fiery items here)
  • A Train Station that takes you from one side of the island to another (all of the four cardinal directions + NE, NW, SE, SW)

​

• NEW VEHICLES
  • New Cars:
    • Police Car: Same speed as Taxi Cab, but can turn on siren to increase speed, however that could draw attention towards you (risk = reward type thing) (No siren-Taxi speed, w/Siren-Whiplash speed) (1000 HP)
    • Mail Van: Can store weapons, bullets, consumables, etc in the back, as well as players. Only two people can be in the front seat at a time (A bit faster than a Semi-truck, but still slow, also the back lift door can be broken with launches out all things inside, including players.) (1200 HP)
    • Minivan: Can carry up to 8 people (really good for larger team modes.) Unique feature is that, since the middle seat doors are slide doors, players can stand so that their entire body is outside the car (GTA style) (About the same speed as the Sedan, but is good with gas) (1000 HP)
    • School Bus: Can carry a maximum of 25 players! The School Bus is the slowest vehicle, slower than even the semi-truck. Though what it lacks in speed, it makes up for in durability, coming in at a total 2000 HP, the School Bus has the same size wheels as the Pickup Truck, though their more durable.
    • Agent's Car: The Agent's Car is unique, as it will be the first car to have attached weaponry. Akin to the Biplane's Gatling guns, the Agent's Car will have one of three different weapons. Two Assault Rifles on either side, One Gatling gun or One Rocket Launcher. All 3 have boosts and are the same speed as the Whiplash.
  • Revised Vehicles
    • Shopping Cart: When playing alone, can hold consumables (Medkits, Grenades, etc)
    • ATK: Can now hold one extra weapon
    • Quadcrasher: Boost refills a bit slower

​

• Brand-New Vehicles
  • Motorcycle: Exactly as the name suggests, it's a motorbike, plain and simple. there will be four types of motorbikes: Sportbike, the Whiplash of the motorbikes. Offroad Bike, Fast on the road, easier to get over mountains and through forests compared to the rest of the vehicles. The Retro Bike, a classic bike, second-slowest out of the four, though it still has some zip. The final bike is the Scooter. The slowest of the bikes, but it can hold two players The Motorcycles can only hold one player (with the exception of the scooter), though players have the option to shoot while on the bikes. Each Bike has a total of 800 HP, though they are hard to hit. If a wheel is popped, it will completely wreck the bike. Same as the previous vehicles before it, The Motorcycle will spawn in multiple places around the map, most times in a cluster of 4... HOWEVER, in each game, regular motorcycle spawns will be replaced by...
  • The Pedal Bike!: This vehicle is the weakest in the game. There are three types of Pedal Bikes in the game: The BMX bike is the fastest and goes quickly while off-road. The Practice Bike is the slowest, as it still has training wheels, though it can hold consumables in it's bar basket. The final type of Pedal Bike is the Big Wheel, it's a tricycle. it's slow, it's weak, it can be stopped by anything, even though there's no real brakes. Pedal Bikes will always spawn in town areas (Salty Springs, Pleasant Park, Holly Hedges, etc)
  • The Attack Helicopter: This is, in essence, as fusion of the X-4 and Choppa. Holds up to 5 players, with one pilot, each of the other players mans a weapon of some sort. Gatling guns, Snipers, Rocket Launcher, etc. When a player decides to exit the Attack Choppa, they will have glider redeploy. There is also a hook on the bottom of the Attack Choppa that is raised/lowered with whatever the equivalent of left and right bumpers are on your specific platform (RB+LB, R1+L1, L+R, etc), this hook can be used to pick up other things on the map such as vehicles, walls, roofs, etc. The Attack Helicoptor has a total of 1800 HP
  • THE TANK: This is the big one. This is what's inside the Bunker. The Tank is a two person operated vehicle, just like the B.R.U.T.E. One player drives while the other shoots the guns (A stronger grenade launcher, a basic rocket launcher and a homing rocket launcheguided missile return). The Tank does not have destructable wheels, though they are a higher damage spot (like the choppa's rotors). The Tank has a total of 5000 HP. This may seem a touch overpowered, but as I said, it's very like the B.R.U.T.E. in the way that: Once the tank is taken and starts to move, it will appear on the map. The Tank has two weak points: The caterpillar wheels and the gun itself, if you can land a direct shot with and RPG or an explosive in general, then The Tank will take major damage! Once The Tank is down to 0 HP, it will start a 3-second-countdown before it blows for good and deals 250 damage to anyone, and anything in the surrounding area.
  • The Tractor: It's just a tractor, it spawns at farm areas. It's slow and doesn't have much health (I think we just need more silly things in the game like the balloons or the snowmen.)

​

• NEW GAMEMODES:
  • Bicycle Race: A race from Point A - Point B using the Pedal Bike
  • Defeat the Horde: 5 players start as Husks, Zombies, whatever you want to call them, and the rest of the 50 person lobby needs to either outlast for 15 mins, or destroy the horde. Other players become horde members once attacked, there are three types of zombies (the ones that throw, the ones that slash and the walls)
  • Isle Defense: 8 players in Tanks must defeat Two Giants trying to destroy the island in any way they can (stomping, smashing, etc)
  • Tank Royale: Same basic idea as Air Royale, just with the Tank
  • Jewel Heist: A game mode where two opposing teams must steal 4 of the gem llamas from a building using C4, Grapplers, Smoke Grenades, etc and win by getting away without being caught by the opposing team, or by stealing the four gem llamas and eliminating everyone else.
  • Capture the Flag: 50 V 50, but each team has a Gem Llama and needs to get it to their side of the map before the other team. Best of 3, giant, indestructable wall divides the island and blocks the other team from seeing where they hid their llama. All vehicles (bar the Tank and B.R.U.T.E) are usable. The Gem Llama has the same properties as the Gas Can, minus the explosions.
  • Prop Hunt: It's just Prop Hunt
  • Escape Room: Get through 5, gradually more difficult challenge rooms before the other team.
  • The Toybox: A rapidly changing mode, kind of like Battle Lab, but you can use Creative exclusive items on the main island as well as true vaulted items (Zap-o-tron, Guided Missile) as well as choosing between the current Island, whatever changes to the Island after December 1st, as well as the Old, Chapter 1 Island. You will also be able to change the season of which island you're on (Ch1 Se4, Ch2 Se 3, Ch1 Se 8), it just won't have any sponsered/branded areas (no Gotham, Stark Industries, Pandora: However you can use the cel-shaded style.) You can also decide what you want on the Island before spawning in: You want 3 different volcanoes around the map? Go for it! You want every location to be replaced by Misty Meadows? Cool! You can do whatever you want and change the Island however you want. You can also choose to spawn in any Mythic items, they would just be name changed (Stark Rifle to Energy Rifle). You can choose if you want any AI bosses/henchmen around the map, and you can choose where to spawn them.
  • Bright Yellow: Solid Gold, but just with Mythic items
  • Truly Unvaulted: Unvaulted but there's also items like the Dart Trap, vaulted vehicles, the previously used Mythics, The Guided Missile, The Infinity Blade, the Zap-O-Tron.
  • Paint Ball: Just like Splatoon, two teams of [X] people will be armed with Paint Cannons that launch the Paint Grenades* in a contained area (Named Location/Larger POI)
  • Deathrace: 20 Players. 10 Teams. Traps, Ramps, Husks and Explosives everywhere. All in the Agent's Car. First one to finish wins......... Or the last team standing.

​

• NEW WEAPONS
  • The Cannon (Epic): I know that cannons were in the game before, but if they brought back like a shoulder cannon that shoots 4 cannonballs.
  • *Paint Grenade (Common): A grenade that does minor damage (at most 50), but covers a medium-sized area in a bright color of paint (blue, pink, red, green, yellow, orange, etc, it's random), this includes players, builds and vehicles. The paint remains on any objects it hits until they coming in contact with water. Spawns in 4.
  • Water Balloon (Uncommon): Just a water balloon. It can be thrown and will explode on contact. Does minor, flinching damage (25 headshot at most), but can be used for game modes, and cleaning off paint.
  • Elemental Sword (Mythic): Spawns on top of a mountain. Can be thrown, swung and used to deflect bullets. Using Deflect + Left Bumper or Right Bumper can switch between the four elements. Water has the effect of launching an H2O blast that homes in on opponents, goes a maximum of 150 meters before dissipating, has the same effect as running into someone in a Whiplash: Major Damage + Large Knockback. (Cooldown is 35 seconds) Fire can be swung, dealing not only a large amount of damage, but also giving whoever it hits a burn affect (like being in a 1X1 cube shot by a flare gun). It can be shot, just like water, but causes the same effect as a stronger flare gun, goes 75 meters. and can be thrown having the same effect. (Cooldown for all effects is 35 seconds) Earth can only be swung, though it deals the most damage. When jumping you can do the Earthly Strike: a downwards strike that increases in strength, the farther you fall. When it reaches the ground it causes and Island wide earthquake the stuns all other players, this takes the most time to cooldown (120 seconds). The final element is Air: This element allows you to launch a chargeable tornado towards opponents, the longer you hold the charge, the stronger and further the tornado will launch. This form of the sword will also allow for something I call: "Tornado Travel" where you start rapidly spinning and it will raise and carry you into and through the air, this will last for 15 seconds before slowly descending. "Tornado Charge & Travel" have a simultaneous cooldown of 40 seconds. Element changes are instantaneous.
  • The Homing Droid (Legendary): A small droid that, when placed will roll around for 30 seconds before either exploding or teleport back to you. There are two modes to The Homing Droid: One where you control the droid in a remote location and another where the droid rolls about on it's own. If the droid senses that there is someone nearby, it will immediately disconnect from the remote and bolt towards the sensed opponent before either exploding or coming back to you(NOTE: By disconnect, I mean that you won't be able to control it anymore, rather it will go on it's own, but the camera will remain on.) The droid will lose focus however if you get far enough away from it. It will track down any opponents for roughly 300M, though if you get into a vehicle, or just get away fast enough, you won't be hunted. It will have a separate health bar, at a total of 65 HP.
  • The Burner (MYTHIC): It's a flamethrower, plain and simple. It doesn't take regular bullets, rather it takes gas. If you have a gas can in your inventory when you have The Burner, it will gradually deplete from the gas can. It will also take ammunition from a *Propane/Propain Tank. The Burner takes up two inventory slots
  • *Propane/Propain Tanks(Around The Island): It's basically just the "KA-BOOM" tanks that could be found at The Rig and are currently found around Weeping Woods. They are bigger, stronger and can be put into your inventory. You can stack up to 5 ProPain Tanks in your inventory at one time. However, when you have both ProPain Tanks and The Burner in your inventory, a ProPain Tank will leave your inventory and attach to The Burner. After emptying a ProPain Tank, it will drop and fade out of the game.

​
I really hope you like my ideas and feel free to share your ideas in the comments! (just don't be mean if someone has a different opinion on the old island)
EDIT 1: I've added some more weapons and stuff.

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We have a large number of MEGA888 free slot games for you to play, and a considerable lot of them rotate around fowls. Your equilibrium could take off by 180,000 credits when you play Lucky Birds by Playson. Your feathered companions can get you 15 free twists with all successes significantly increased, yet it's five toucans you'll have to arrange for the big stake. At that point you should look at Birds on a Wire by Thunderkick for some charging fun. This five-reel, 17-payline slot acquaints you with animation feathered creatures that shudder onto power wires each turn. You can watch them fatigue as a multiplier increments to a limit of 5x in the base game and 20x during free twists.